As WOWs and GOWs, our insecurities can sometimes get the best of us...
"Will my W ever love me as much as he loved his LW (Late Wife)?"
"Is W thinking of LW when he's quiet?"
"Will the friends/family he shared with LW ever accept me?"
...as well as the "I'm curious but afraid to ask" questions about LW's pictures and personal possessions still hanging around the W's (Widower's) house, questions about the possibility of W having a joint burial plot with LW, and questions about whether W will ever commit to a permanent relationship since he still seems to be grieving his LW sometimes.
ARGGHH!!! Makes a poor WOW/GOW want to run screaming into the streets!
Be of good cheer, my WOW/GOW sisters, for the answer is simple: Communication is KEY!
It never ceases to amaze me how my worries and fears tend to be so huge in my own mind, yet when I finally summon the courage to face them head-on, I discover that they were totally overblown. Discussing my GOW/WOW worries and fears with my W is no different.
Asking the tough WOW/GOW questions of our Ws is, well, TOUGH! But once we do, we learn that the issues that consumed us with insecurity are often not a big deal to our Ws! And the more we practise communication, the better we get at it, and the easier it becomes. The pay-off is how our Ws get a chance to reaffirm their love and commitment to US when we talk openly and honestly about all things LW-related.
So, be strong, my sisters! You have nothing to fear but fear itself! Do what women do best and TALK!! (LOL!) Talk to your Ws about your insecurities. Bring those little demons of fear and worry into the LIGHT and air them out. Once you do, you will have defeated them, and you can begin to live the life you were meant to live...Loving A Widower!
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All you say is true. Things like you write about run through my mind daily almost.
ReplyDeleteI always feel as if I don't measure up to what he had. She died at 27, they were having marriage problems....now we're nearly 58, marrying at 45. I still feel inferior....sigh.
He's not very demonstrative, and hasn't been for nearly a decade. I feel cheated somewhat.
It's not easy, no matter when we arrived in their lives, is it?
And when you talk, stay with the facts. Ask for facts. Convey nothing but facts. Especially when the conversation is about another person (children, family, in-laws). Don't convey opinions and impressions, e.g. "your children are jealous, your family is nasty, your family hates me." And refuse to listen to such opinions and impressions. Stay with the facts. If you convey opinions and impressions you will, at best, cause pain. If you listen to opinions and impressions you make yourself vulnerable to people who delight in causing pain and you may even pass it on in your outrage and cause more damage.
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