In my 12 years of dealing with GOW/W relationships, I have come to the conclusion that there are three types of GOWs:
1.) The first type of GOW I like to call "The Spy". She sniffs around for every detail of LW's life: who she was, what she was like, what W's marriage to her was like, what did she looked like, what her personality like, what shoe size LW wore, how she was in bed, etc....ad nauseum. This kind of GOW is fishing for info in order to "size up the competition". She doesn't really want to "know" LW in order to embarce her; rather, she wants to know that she (the GOW) is somehow BETTER than LW, and is looking for comparisons where she can "best" LW. This type of GOW has probably always had trust issues, and comes across as insecure, needing to be constantly reassured of her W's love. She whines and moans constantly about feeling "second best" in W's heart because she is not secure and confident about the woman SHE is, so how can she believe W when he tries to tell her - over and over again - that he indeed loves her? This type of GOW claims W as her territory and becomes very territorial in her behaviour - and God help anyone who trespasses, including old friends and family of LW. This GOW will not and does not tolerate ANY discussion of the past. She CLAIMS it's because "the past no longer matters - we live in the present", but in reality, she is scared to death that any reminder of the past might result in her losing the man she loves, or that she just might pale in comparison.
2.) The second type of GOW is what I call "The Grief Therapist". She is waaay too understanding about W's grief episodes (AKA: "fits and starts" - where he's happily committed one day, breaking up with her the next, and back again). She can't tell the difference between normal "guy behaviour" and what constitutes normal grief behaviour, so to play it safe, she blames all his nonsense on his being a widower, thus excusing him every time he hurts her feelings. This type of GOW puts her own needs on the back burner in order to serve his grief needs, yet resents doing so very much.
There are two divisions of Grief Therapist:
~One is benevolent and truly feels that sacrificing her own needs, and not communicating them, serves "the greater good" of the relationship. She is happy to serve, and gets a great deal of self-esteem out of being the eternal martyr.
~The other will never complain, and will often stretch the truth of her relationship, sugar-coating it because she enjoys "keeping up appearances" of happiness since she rather likes being viewed as the heroine in the story of W's life. I feel for this type because she is spinning her wheels and getting nowhere fast. Her relationship is at a standstill. It can't move froward without communication of her needs, yet she's stuck and doesn't know how to get out of this pretty little grave she's dug herself into. What is pathetic about this type of GOW is that her relationship with W - and W himself - often suffers from all her selfess "grief therapy". Her benevolence often feeds W's ever-present guilt to the point of being burdensome, and when he breaks up with her because of it, she is at a loss to explain why.
3.) The third type of GOW is what I call "The Combo". She is a bit of Numbers 1 and 2, but more often than not, she is more of a realist. This type of GOW has the benefit of life experience. She is older, wiser, and has had a lifetime of perfecting other relatinships, so she brings to the table a great guidebook of life lessons she can use to navigate the waters with W.
Combo GOW wants to be patient and tries very hard to be, but she tires easily of holding onto hope when there are no guarantees that her patience will pay off for her. She is fairly good at communicating her needs, but she is easily frustrated when HIS seem so insurmountable. She trusts W's declarations of love, but sometimes, when the chips are down, she worries a bit that she'll never be good enough - or as good as LW.
The Combo GOW makes room for everyone in W's life: his children, his LWs family, and his own family. In her mind, the more people in their relationship to love, the better. She is tireless when she works to blend her family with his. She is present-grounded and future-sighted, juggling the needs and wants of all involved, yet allowing for her own needs to be met. She understands that W's children and/or former in-laws may not accept her at first beucase she truly understaands the grief process and does not blame them. In fact, she has a great deal of compassion for their grief, and lovingly steps aside to allow it to run its course, just being confident in herself until such time as they come to accept her.
The Combo GOW has an uncanny ability to anticipate W's moods, often beating him to the punch before he even has a chance to explain his grief triggers. She allows for dischord, yet believes in the power of herSELF, as well as the strength of her love for W, to get through the tough times. She is confident yet not demanding, and she is careful not to get too big-headed about her relationship because she has done the research and knows that a perfect relationship with a W is often defined as a one-day-at-a-time, "as good as it gets" kind of relationship. She is open-minded about latent grief, and is willing to go with the flow through the changes that happen to her W and the relationship.
The Combo GOW is not threatened by LW or her memory. She acknowledges W's love for LW, and is grateful to LW for helping to make W the man she loves, yet she is wise enough not to allow the past to invade the present. She knows how to draw a fair boundary line between what about the past is OK to bring into the present, and how much of it can be allowed into the future without taking anything away from herself or her relationship. She is fearlessly unafraid of talking about her needs with W, and expects his compassion and his listening ear as much as she gives the same to him.
Keep in mind that, for ALL 3 types of GOWs, there is a type of W to go along with each:
1.) The Spy GOW often has a W who wallows in self-pity, is immobile about his own grief healing, is often in denial about his grief, and, more often than not, is using the GOW to avoid doing the necessary grief work. Grief NEEDS to be selfish in order to work through it, yet the W who dates The Spy GOW's W is TOO selfish to address HER needs. He is too self-centered to see how her digging for information about LW is not a good thing. He then willingly gives her all the information she needs because he is soo happy to be able to talk about LW, yet he does so to his own disadvantage. The individuals in this couple are both users, and they eventually suck the life out of each other until the relationship dies on the vine. If they do manage to hang onto each other somehow, there is always an undercurrent of resentment on one or both of their parts. Since they suck at REAL communication, and are too selfish for cooperation and compromise, they take whatever they need from each other and feel like they've settled for less than they deserve.
2.) The Grief Enabler's widower is happy to wear the GOW's rose-coloured glasses and play along with her charade because doing so distracts him from his pain as well as his grief work. The Grief Therapist's widower takes full advantage of her selflessness. However, sooner or later, the grief he has been denying comes back with a vengeance, and instead of being honest with her and risk hurting this amazingly patient and caring woman, he either stays stuck in a grief stage until it consumes him to the point of breaking, or he simply stays with her out of pity, need, or fear, and remains grief-stricken and guilt-ridden while the relationship stands still and suffers from lack of growth.
3.) The Combo GOW's widower knows he has a good thing, but is careful not to let his own needs overshadow his GOW's needs. He is CONSTANTLY aware of his GOW's feelings and is a willing participant in honest communication about touchy subjects. If she says she is uncomfortable with LW discussions, LW pictures, or LW stuff, he is mindful to be respectful of her needs, knowing that she isn't being unreasonable. He is open-minded about her gentle suggestions for moving forward. If he disagress with her, he trusts her enough to communicate with her, knowing she will be receptive to his thoughts and willing to compromise. There isn't much they can't tackle together, and with their maturity, ease of communication, cooperative selflessness, and committment to compromise, they are the most successful pairing of GOW and W.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
When the GOW/WOW Compares Herself to the Sainted LW
I believe it's absolutely normal for a GOW/WOW to fine some kind of satisfaction, even comfort, in discovering LW's faults and flaws.
When it's W himself who offers these tidbits of truth, he is, in effect, completing a grief stage: acceptance. Where once he held LW on a pedestal of perfection, time has healed his heart to the point where he can now put LW's memory in perspective. In most cases, admitting openly that LW had flaws doesn't mean he regrets his marriage, or that LW went from angel to total b*tch overnight. It simply means that he has come to a point along his grief journey where he has processed her loss rationally instead of irrationally.
Should Ws be aware that GOWs/WOWs are bothered by hearing that W/LW marriages were happy? Not unless the GOW/WOW tells him so! And until that time, I believe Ws will tell the unvarnished truth because they consider their happy marriages to be a sign of good character. Thus, does sharing information about the happy state of his marriage to LW make him an insensitve clod? I don't believe so. Instead, it makes him an honest person with a great resume of marriage experience.
Ws who only have nice things to say about their LWs aren't always stuck in grief. They may just be the kind, gentlemen-ly type who never say a bad word about ANYone, and they prefer not to speak ill of the dead. Hubs has never said a bad thing about LW to me, except that she wasn't perfect. Fine by me, because I KNOW she wasn't perfect, and that's not based on anything negative anyone has told me. It's just that I know human beings are imperfect and there is no such thing as a Super Woman.
The danger in a GOW taking LW's admitted flaws/faults and judging LW as "bad" - just to make herself feel better - is that doing so can come back to bite her. When W has heard enough LW-knocking (even if he agress with what is being said about her faults - and even if HE was the one who confessed them), he will resent having shared such intimate secrets about her flaws in the first place - or start to feel guilty about doing so - when he knows deep inside she wasn't ALL bad, and that their marriages indeed had moments to cherish. Divorcees are often dealt this kind of judgement when others ask them, "How could you have stayed with such a monster for so long?" First of all, it makes the divorcee feel stupid, and everyone can relate to resenting a person who judges us as foolish. Secondly, every divorcee will tell you that there WERE some marital highlights, happy times, and positive affirmations within the marriage's duration (and enough good things within their exes) they will always treasure...and grieve the loss of.Thus, while it's true that some Ws had unhealthy marriages to their LWs, be forewarned that even those marriages (and the less-than-stellar LWs) will still be grieved as a loss. This kind of grief is jammed-packed full of guilt and resentment, leaving these kinds of Ws very trepidacious about committment, much less remarrying. More often than not, it is these kinds of Ws who take longer to come full circle in their recovery....and can be "the toughest nut to crack" for a GOW.
I think it's easier to make those LW comparisons when the Ws in question are being dunderheaded about letting go and moving on. It leaves a GOW wondering, "What's wrong with ME? Why am I not good enough? What makes HER rate a higher seat on his priority list than ME?" and blame her for him dragging his feet, when the important question should be, "What's wrong with HIM?!" It's easy to have ill feelings for someone who you feel is stealing your thunder. But it's not her fault that he loved her.
Ws need to be able to come to a point at the end of their bereavement recovery when they can finally let go. It is the last, and hardest, step to healing. At this final stage, the W learns to manage his grief, put the past where it belongs, and embrace the present and future. This is not to say that he stops loving LW. He won't. Most never will. There will always be a place in his heart for her. But in putting the past where it belongs, a W releases its hold on him for good.
Normal as it is to do "the superiority dance" (a la "Church Lady" from old Saturday Night Live episodes...lol) when LW's faults/flaws are laid bare, as I have stated many times, normal does not always equal productive. LW's faults/flaws are only part and parcel of the human being W loved (or once loved). She wasn't perfect, but she wasn't a total write-off, either. There was SOMEthing good about her or SOME payoff of their marriage that kept W hanging in there. It is always disasterous when human beings take an "either/or" stance on their acceptance of other human beings. No one is absolutely, 100% bad or good. We ALL have good, and we ALL have flaws.
Needing a yardstick (the LW) against which you measure your own self worth in W's heart is a true sign of a dangerously low self-esteem. Working on THAT is how you can overcome feeling like "second best".
Trying to find ways to feel superior to the LW, while initially normal for GOWs/WOWs, is unproductive to say the least. No matter how you add it up, these small victories never end up being the real reasons why W loves you for who YOU are. We need to embrace the fact that who and what we are, however similar or different from the LWs, is what truly matters.
The sad reality is, many women with insecurity issues will battle them even harder when they start dating a W.
You have to start believing that what you offer to W is what he wants and needs, to hell with what anyone else thinks, and remember that itis BECAUSE he lost a LW that he is the man for you. He has evolved, grown, and matured. The experience of losing a spouse changes a person, and he is changed....so much so that he has become the perfect fit for YOU!
Obsessing over LW, either positively or negatively, takes up waaay too much time and energy that would be better spent embracing the present and choosing to be happy despite the past. She was his perfect match back then. *I* am his perfect match now, because he is no longer the man from the past - he has changed, evolved, grown, matured, and learned that life is fragile so you gotta embrace it with GUSTO and CHOOSE to be happy in the "here and now."
The simple truth is this: He loved her. Loved = past tense. He can love the MEMORY of her, but she's not here anymore for him to love with a passion reserved for the living. He loves you. Loves = present tense. YOU are the real, living, breathing embodiment of his present feelings. He will contine to love you. Will love = future tense. One cannot build a future on memories.
So, too, must a GOW come to a final stage of acceptance. in order for the relationship to thrive, she must embrace her own autonomous significance in the W's life, and stop allowing the past to interfere with the present.....and that means: stop allowing LW, her memory, and her perceived yet illusional perfection interfere with your choice to be happy!!
Whether W and LW were blissfully happy or miserably connected, it matters little in the here and now. It is the present and future we as GOWs/WOWs need to be focussed on and concerned with, not the past. Start today to uplift your self esteem. Embrace who you are and what you mean to your W. It's real, it's permanent, and it's packed with hope for everywaking moment. Don't waste any more precious time you COULD be spending in a peaceful, fulfilling relationship by allowing the past to suffocate your self worth. If you weren't worthy, he wouldn't have chosen you. But you ARE worthy! He could have spent the remainder of his years alone with his memories, but God bless him, he had the strength, the fortitude, and the will to push himself beyond his grief to appreciate the gift of love you bring. He's awesome..YOU'RE awesome...LIFE is awesome! Enjoy it! Embrace it! Happiness is a choice....so BE happy!!
First of all, stop feeling guilty about feeling happy that LW was not perfect. It's human, and very common and normal for GOWs and WOWs to feel relieved when they hear bad things about LW. It makes HER appear more human - not the perfect angel we have been lead to believe by W, her family, their friends, or all three.
If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: what you are feeling in regard to LW comparisons is NORMAL for a GOW! Thus, I validate your normalness. However, when all is said and done, it matters NOT what other people think - it matters what W thinks, and if he perceives LW as perfect, then the bad stuff other people say isn't going to make much difference.
We cannot be satisfied to remain validated when we know deep inside that it is unproductive and gets us nowhere. DEALING with negative, non-productive, kneejerk reactions - however normal they may be - is what matures us and helps us grow as individuals, which can only help our relationships thrive. Acknowledging WHERE the insecurity that leads to the comparisons comes from is an important first step....but it's not the last.
I have battled the demons of low self-esteem my whole life. But I had a choice: I could either be satisfied with the validation of my stinky past and thus, be condemned to wallow in it unproductively.....OR....I could rise above it, learn to like myself and project that likeability onto others, and deal with my trust issues so that I wouldn't miss out on the joys of life. And missing out on those joys is exactly what I fear may happen to you if you don't start today to move beyond validation and start taking the leaps of faith - in yourself and others - so you can lead a full and happy life, free from comparisons.
When it's W himself who offers these tidbits of truth, he is, in effect, completing a grief stage: acceptance. Where once he held LW on a pedestal of perfection, time has healed his heart to the point where he can now put LW's memory in perspective. In most cases, admitting openly that LW had flaws doesn't mean he regrets his marriage, or that LW went from angel to total b*tch overnight. It simply means that he has come to a point along his grief journey where he has processed her loss rationally instead of irrationally.
Should Ws be aware that GOWs/WOWs are bothered by hearing that W/LW marriages were happy? Not unless the GOW/WOW tells him so! And until that time, I believe Ws will tell the unvarnished truth because they consider their happy marriages to be a sign of good character. Thus, does sharing information about the happy state of his marriage to LW make him an insensitve clod? I don't believe so. Instead, it makes him an honest person with a great resume of marriage experience.
Ws who only have nice things to say about their LWs aren't always stuck in grief. They may just be the kind, gentlemen-ly type who never say a bad word about ANYone, and they prefer not to speak ill of the dead. Hubs has never said a bad thing about LW to me, except that she wasn't perfect. Fine by me, because I KNOW she wasn't perfect, and that's not based on anything negative anyone has told me. It's just that I know human beings are imperfect and there is no such thing as a Super Woman.
The danger in a GOW taking LW's admitted flaws/faults and judging LW as "bad" - just to make herself feel better - is that doing so can come back to bite her. When W has heard enough LW-knocking (even if he agress with what is being said about her faults - and even if HE was the one who confessed them), he will resent having shared such intimate secrets about her flaws in the first place - or start to feel guilty about doing so - when he knows deep inside she wasn't ALL bad, and that their marriages indeed had moments to cherish. Divorcees are often dealt this kind of judgement when others ask them, "How could you have stayed with such a monster for so long?" First of all, it makes the divorcee feel stupid, and everyone can relate to resenting a person who judges us as foolish. Secondly, every divorcee will tell you that there WERE some marital highlights, happy times, and positive affirmations within the marriage's duration (and enough good things within their exes) they will always treasure...and grieve the loss of.Thus, while it's true that some Ws had unhealthy marriages to their LWs, be forewarned that even those marriages (and the less-than-stellar LWs) will still be grieved as a loss. This kind of grief is jammed-packed full of guilt and resentment, leaving these kinds of Ws very trepidacious about committment, much less remarrying. More often than not, it is these kinds of Ws who take longer to come full circle in their recovery....and can be "the toughest nut to crack" for a GOW.
I think it's easier to make those LW comparisons when the Ws in question are being dunderheaded about letting go and moving on. It leaves a GOW wondering, "What's wrong with ME? Why am I not good enough? What makes HER rate a higher seat on his priority list than ME?" and blame her for him dragging his feet, when the important question should be, "What's wrong with HIM?!" It's easy to have ill feelings for someone who you feel is stealing your thunder. But it's not her fault that he loved her.
Ws need to be able to come to a point at the end of their bereavement recovery when they can finally let go. It is the last, and hardest, step to healing. At this final stage, the W learns to manage his grief, put the past where it belongs, and embrace the present and future. This is not to say that he stops loving LW. He won't. Most never will. There will always be a place in his heart for her. But in putting the past where it belongs, a W releases its hold on him for good.
Normal as it is to do "the superiority dance" (a la "Church Lady" from old Saturday Night Live episodes...lol) when LW's faults/flaws are laid bare, as I have stated many times, normal does not always equal productive. LW's faults/flaws are only part and parcel of the human being W loved (or once loved). She wasn't perfect, but she wasn't a total write-off, either. There was SOMEthing good about her or SOME payoff of their marriage that kept W hanging in there. It is always disasterous when human beings take an "either/or" stance on their acceptance of other human beings. No one is absolutely, 100% bad or good. We ALL have good, and we ALL have flaws.
Needing a yardstick (the LW) against which you measure your own self worth in W's heart is a true sign of a dangerously low self-esteem. Working on THAT is how you can overcome feeling like "second best".
Trying to find ways to feel superior to the LW, while initially normal for GOWs/WOWs, is unproductive to say the least. No matter how you add it up, these small victories never end up being the real reasons why W loves you for who YOU are. We need to embrace the fact that who and what we are, however similar or different from the LWs, is what truly matters.
The sad reality is, many women with insecurity issues will battle them even harder when they start dating a W.
You have to start believing that what you offer to W is what he wants and needs, to hell with what anyone else thinks, and remember that itis BECAUSE he lost a LW that he is the man for you. He has evolved, grown, and matured. The experience of losing a spouse changes a person, and he is changed....so much so that he has become the perfect fit for YOU!
Obsessing over LW, either positively or negatively, takes up waaay too much time and energy that would be better spent embracing the present and choosing to be happy despite the past. She was his perfect match back then. *I* am his perfect match now, because he is no longer the man from the past - he has changed, evolved, grown, matured, and learned that life is fragile so you gotta embrace it with GUSTO and CHOOSE to be happy in the "here and now."
The simple truth is this: He loved her. Loved = past tense. He can love the MEMORY of her, but she's not here anymore for him to love with a passion reserved for the living. He loves you. Loves = present tense. YOU are the real, living, breathing embodiment of his present feelings. He will contine to love you. Will love = future tense. One cannot build a future on memories.
So, too, must a GOW come to a final stage of acceptance. in order for the relationship to thrive, she must embrace her own autonomous significance in the W's life, and stop allowing the past to interfere with the present.....and that means: stop allowing LW, her memory, and her perceived yet illusional perfection interfere with your choice to be happy!!
Whether W and LW were blissfully happy or miserably connected, it matters little in the here and now. It is the present and future we as GOWs/WOWs need to be focussed on and concerned with, not the past. Start today to uplift your self esteem. Embrace who you are and what you mean to your W. It's real, it's permanent, and it's packed with hope for everywaking moment. Don't waste any more precious time you COULD be spending in a peaceful, fulfilling relationship by allowing the past to suffocate your self worth. If you weren't worthy, he wouldn't have chosen you. But you ARE worthy! He could have spent the remainder of his years alone with his memories, but God bless him, he had the strength, the fortitude, and the will to push himself beyond his grief to appreciate the gift of love you bring. He's awesome..YOU'RE awesome...LIFE is awesome! Enjoy it! Embrace it! Happiness is a choice....so BE happy!!
First of all, stop feeling guilty about feeling happy that LW was not perfect. It's human, and very common and normal for GOWs and WOWs to feel relieved when they hear bad things about LW. It makes HER appear more human - not the perfect angel we have been lead to believe by W, her family, their friends, or all three.
If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: what you are feeling in regard to LW comparisons is NORMAL for a GOW! Thus, I validate your normalness. However, when all is said and done, it matters NOT what other people think - it matters what W thinks, and if he perceives LW as perfect, then the bad stuff other people say isn't going to make much difference.
We cannot be satisfied to remain validated when we know deep inside that it is unproductive and gets us nowhere. DEALING with negative, non-productive, kneejerk reactions - however normal they may be - is what matures us and helps us grow as individuals, which can only help our relationships thrive. Acknowledging WHERE the insecurity that leads to the comparisons comes from is an important first step....but it's not the last.
I have battled the demons of low self-esteem my whole life. But I had a choice: I could either be satisfied with the validation of my stinky past and thus, be condemned to wallow in it unproductively.....OR....I could rise above it, learn to like myself and project that likeability onto others, and deal with my trust issues so that I wouldn't miss out on the joys of life. And missing out on those joys is exactly what I fear may happen to you if you don't start today to move beyond validation and start taking the leaps of faith - in yourself and others - so you can lead a full and happy life, free from comparisons.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Those "Other" WOW/GOW Sites and So-Called "Experts"
Recently, I received an e-mail from a GOW who was totally disturbed by the lack of support and encouragement she received when she posted her GOW issue on a different kind of WOW/GOW site (not my site). In her words: "One blog owner advised that if my W were really over his LW and ready to move on with life, then he should have no problem with my issue. Another one told me to just get over it as I had him now and she was dead."
How truly sad, misinformed, and misguided these other so-called "experts" are.
There is a reason why I call my forum “The Official WOW/GOW Message Board” (and yes, it’s copyrighted!): because there is not another one like it in cyberspace! No other board is run by a GOW/WOW who has not only had a book published on the subject, but has had over a decade of grief counselling and bereavement recovery experience. Not to boast, but I bring to my board both personal AND professional experience. That being said, the “other” boards/blogs/forums really irritate me because they tend to be non-productive, non-supportive, and definitely short sighted and lacking in real expertise.
One such forum that really burns me up is run by a widower who thinks he can counsel GOWs and WOWs just because he remarried and wrote a book about it! Puh-lease…give me strength! Most of the time, when a GOW or WOW posts her issues to his blog, he minimizes her feelings and just tells her to shove off, get away from W, dump him, and move on. But when a GOW or WOW has invested much of herself, her love, her hopes, her dreams, and yes, her life to the relationship, these harsh words do mor eharm than good...and it's time to set the record straight.
Lest anyone think I am posting this blog because I am competitive, jealous, or feel threatened by the aforementioned "other" forums, let me state for the record the following: I have NEVER tried to steer my board members away from something besides me and/or my book if I thought it'd be helpful to them. In fact, I would search (and have searched) heaven and earth for ANY good literature for them IF I thought it would help them. And if I thought for one minute that these other forums were truly beneficial, I would post the web address for all to see and visit.
However, I am of the opinion that those who have never walked in GOW or WOW shoes have no business advising those who do. It'd be like a man advising a woman about childbirth: sure, he might know the mechancics, the medical facts, and process from start to finish. But he would NEVER be able to advise her as to how it FEELS, emotionally speaking, to birth a child and/or be a mother because, simply put, he is not a woman, and thus, has never personally experienced birth!
Therefore, ladies, be careful "out there" in cyberspace. Thanks to POD publishing technology, ANYONE can write a book....but that doesn't always mean they have the experience or expertise to back it up. Do yourselves a favour and think twice before "nodding and smiling" for any cyberspace "expert" who lacks the credentials and experience necessary to validate you as you journey along as a GOW/WOW. Anyone can throw together a website these days and claim to be an "expert", so don;t be intimidated! Do your research and ask questions before baring your soul to someone who has never worn your moccasins, lest you find yourselves mislead or, worse, discouraged.
How truly sad, misinformed, and misguided these other so-called "experts" are.
There is a reason why I call my forum “The Official WOW/GOW Message Board” (and yes, it’s copyrighted!): because there is not another one like it in cyberspace! No other board is run by a GOW/WOW who has not only had a book published on the subject, but has had over a decade of grief counselling and bereavement recovery experience. Not to boast, but I bring to my board both personal AND professional experience. That being said, the “other” boards/blogs/forums really irritate me because they tend to be non-productive, non-supportive, and definitely short sighted and lacking in real expertise.
One such forum that really burns me up is run by a widower who thinks he can counsel GOWs and WOWs just because he remarried and wrote a book about it! Puh-lease…give me strength! Most of the time, when a GOW or WOW posts her issues to his blog, he minimizes her feelings and just tells her to shove off, get away from W, dump him, and move on. But when a GOW or WOW has invested much of herself, her love, her hopes, her dreams, and yes, her life to the relationship, these harsh words do mor eharm than good...and it's time to set the record straight.
Lest anyone think I am posting this blog because I am competitive, jealous, or feel threatened by the aforementioned "other" forums, let me state for the record the following: I have NEVER tried to steer my board members away from something besides me and/or my book if I thought it'd be helpful to them. In fact, I would search (and have searched) heaven and earth for ANY good literature for them IF I thought it would help them. And if I thought for one minute that these other forums were truly beneficial, I would post the web address for all to see and visit.
However, I am of the opinion that those who have never walked in GOW or WOW shoes have no business advising those who do. It'd be like a man advising a woman about childbirth: sure, he might know the mechancics, the medical facts, and process from start to finish. But he would NEVER be able to advise her as to how it FEELS, emotionally speaking, to birth a child and/or be a mother because, simply put, he is not a woman, and thus, has never personally experienced birth!
Therefore, ladies, be careful "out there" in cyberspace. Thanks to POD publishing technology, ANYONE can write a book....but that doesn't always mean they have the experience or expertise to back it up. Do yourselves a favour and think twice before "nodding and smiling" for any cyberspace "expert" who lacks the credentials and experience necessary to validate you as you journey along as a GOW/WOW. Anyone can throw together a website these days and claim to be an "expert", so don;t be intimidated! Do your research and ask questions before baring your soul to someone who has never worn your moccasins, lest you find yourselves mislead or, worse, discouraged.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The "Perfect" Late Wife (LW)?
I believe it's absolutely normal for a GOW/WOW to fine some kind of satisfaction, even comfort, in discovering LW's faults and flaws. When it's W himself who offers these tidbits of truth, he is, in effect, completing a grief stage: acceptance. Where once he held LW on a pedestal of perfection, time has healed his heart to the point where he can now put LW's memory in perspective. In most cases, admitting openly that LW had flaws doesn't mean he regrets his marriage, or that LW went from angel to total b*tch overnight. It simply means that he has come to a point along his grief journey where he has processed her loss rationally instead of irrationally.
Normal as it is to do "the superiority dance" (a la "Church Lady" from old Saturday Night Live episodes...lol) when LW's faults/flaws are laid bare, remember that normal does not always equal productive. LW's faults/flaws are only part and parcel of the human being W loved (or once loved). She wasn't perfect, but she wasn't a total write-off, either. There was SOMEthing good about her or SOME payoff of their marriage that kept W hanging in there.
It is always disasterous when human beings take an "either/or" stance on their acceptance of other human beings. No one is absolutely, 100% bad or good. We ALL have good, and we ALL have flaws. The danger in a GOW taking LW's admitted flaws/faults and judging LW as "bad" just to make herself feel better is that doing so can come back to bite her. When W has heard enough LW-knocking (even if he agress with what is being said about her faults - and even if HE was the one who confessed them), he will resent having shared such intimate secrets about her flaws in the first place - or start to feel guilty about doing so - when he knows deep inside she wasn't ALL bad, and that their marriages indeed had moments to cherish. Divorcees are often dealt this kind of judgement when others ask them, "How could you have stayed with such a monster for so long?" First of all, it makes the divorcee feel stupid, and everyone can relate to resenting a person who judges us as foolish. Secondly, every divorcee will tell you that there WERE some marital highlights, happy times, and positive affirmations within the marriage's duration (and enough good things within their exes) they will always treasure...and grieve the loss of.
Thus, while it's true that some Ws had unhealthy marriages to their LWs, be forewarned that even those marriages (and the less-than-stellar LWs) will still be grieved as a loss. This kind of grief is jammed-packed full of guilt and resentment, leaving these kinds of Ws very trepidacious about committment, much less remarrying. More often than not, it is these kinds of Ws who take longer to come full circle in their recovery....and can be "the toughest nut to crack" for a GOW.
Normal as it is to do "the superiority dance" (a la "Church Lady" from old Saturday Night Live episodes...lol) when LW's faults/flaws are laid bare, remember that normal does not always equal productive. LW's faults/flaws are only part and parcel of the human being W loved (or once loved). She wasn't perfect, but she wasn't a total write-off, either. There was SOMEthing good about her or SOME payoff of their marriage that kept W hanging in there.
It is always disasterous when human beings take an "either/or" stance on their acceptance of other human beings. No one is absolutely, 100% bad or good. We ALL have good, and we ALL have flaws. The danger in a GOW taking LW's admitted flaws/faults and judging LW as "bad" just to make herself feel better is that doing so can come back to bite her. When W has heard enough LW-knocking (even if he agress with what is being said about her faults - and even if HE was the one who confessed them), he will resent having shared such intimate secrets about her flaws in the first place - or start to feel guilty about doing so - when he knows deep inside she wasn't ALL bad, and that their marriages indeed had moments to cherish. Divorcees are often dealt this kind of judgement when others ask them, "How could you have stayed with such a monster for so long?" First of all, it makes the divorcee feel stupid, and everyone can relate to resenting a person who judges us as foolish. Secondly, every divorcee will tell you that there WERE some marital highlights, happy times, and positive affirmations within the marriage's duration (and enough good things within their exes) they will always treasure...and grieve the loss of.
Thus, while it's true that some Ws had unhealthy marriages to their LWs, be forewarned that even those marriages (and the less-than-stellar LWs) will still be grieved as a loss. This kind of grief is jammed-packed full of guilt and resentment, leaving these kinds of Ws very trepidacious about committment, much less remarrying. More often than not, it is these kinds of Ws who take longer to come full circle in their recovery....and can be "the toughest nut to crack" for a GOW.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Dating a "Virgin" Widower
I always feel bad for the first GOW to come into a W's life. She becomes the proving ground; the waters that W tests before he jumps into the proverbial relationship-after-LW pool; the one on whom the W cuts his relationship teeth. For many Ws, it has been years if not decades since they've been with any woman besides their LWs. These Ws have spent those years honing their marriages, getting to know ONE woman's personality, fine-tuning their responses and sensitivities to suit only HER. Then they try out the very same stuff on a new woman, and are befuddled as to why the stuff that worked when it came to LW isn't making any headway with the new GOW! These "virgin" Ws must think all women are alike, and that using their one-size-fits-all relationship tactics will work on all women since they worked with their LWs. Wrong! Since all people are different, why would their LW experiences even come close to working with the new GOW? Sure, some things SHOULD remain the same: men should alweays treat women with resect and be gentlemen. But I'm talking about those virgin Ws who, in their first real relationships since their LWs died, tend to stumble along like clods...until they realize they cannot and should not treat the new GOW exactly as they did the LW.
A poor newbie GOW has an unenviable position with a virgin W. As his "first" since LW, the new GOW wears many hats: she is a teacher; the one who, as described above, patiently instructs him in proper post-LW relationship behaviour. She is a mother; the one who gently soothes his aching heart with her love. She is a nurse; the one who tends his inner wounds, all the while trying not to become too personally involved (but failing) so his pain will not become her own. She is a therapist; the one who listens sympathetically and patiently as he works through his grief. She is an engineer; the one who systematically works out a plan for their future together, using every conceivable force in nature to move him gently onward and forward. She is overworked, underpaid, and hardly appreciated. Is it any wonder she is exhausted and constantly worrying about her "job security" - where she personally fits into virgin W's heart?
Ah, but then she remembers her "benefits package"! Virgin W is hard work, to be sure, but there ARE perks. Were it not for these perks, new GOW just might start looking for another job. Instead, she remains steadast and devoted, hoping the pay-off for her efforts will be the brass...er, diamond....ring: that wonderful pre-retirement bonus of having helped to invent a new man from a formerly hopeless one; a man who has learned that the past is indeed the past and that the present and future CAN be more wonderful, thanks to the GOW.
And yet, so many GOWs bail out before they reach the pay-off, and I can't blame them. It's only human to think, "There must be an easier job than this!" and worrying she'll never reach retirement age and that golden handshake!! However, their efforts never die in vain. The next GOW to come along enjoys the benefits of the first GOW's hard work. Thus, the first GOWs last hat must be that of a writer: one who scribes onto virgin W's heart those words that make him think, motivate him to change, and inspire him to do so. It's all any writer can ask. ;)
A poor newbie GOW has an unenviable position with a virgin W. As his "first" since LW, the new GOW wears many hats: she is a teacher; the one who, as described above, patiently instructs him in proper post-LW relationship behaviour. She is a mother; the one who gently soothes his aching heart with her love. She is a nurse; the one who tends his inner wounds, all the while trying not to become too personally involved (but failing) so his pain will not become her own. She is a therapist; the one who listens sympathetically and patiently as he works through his grief. She is an engineer; the one who systematically works out a plan for their future together, using every conceivable force in nature to move him gently onward and forward. She is overworked, underpaid, and hardly appreciated. Is it any wonder she is exhausted and constantly worrying about her "job security" - where she personally fits into virgin W's heart?
Ah, but then she remembers her "benefits package"! Virgin W is hard work, to be sure, but there ARE perks. Were it not for these perks, new GOW just might start looking for another job. Instead, she remains steadast and devoted, hoping the pay-off for her efforts will be the brass...er, diamond....ring: that wonderful pre-retirement bonus of having helped to invent a new man from a formerly hopeless one; a man who has learned that the past is indeed the past and that the present and future CAN be more wonderful, thanks to the GOW.
And yet, so many GOWs bail out before they reach the pay-off, and I can't blame them. It's only human to think, "There must be an easier job than this!" and worrying she'll never reach retirement age and that golden handshake!! However, their efforts never die in vain. The next GOW to come along enjoys the benefits of the first GOW's hard work. Thus, the first GOWs last hat must be that of a writer: one who scribes onto virgin W's heart those words that make him think, motivate him to change, and inspire him to do so. It's all any writer can ask. ;)
Friday, May 15, 2009
Are You A "Grief Enabler"?
Recently, I received an e-mail from a GOW (Girlfriend Of a Widower) who wondered if being “the patient grief therapist” was only enabling her widowed boyfriend’s grief or perhaps retarding his bereavement recovery in some way. “Am I an unwitting enabler?” she asked.
Many medical dictionaries define an enabler as follows:
“Family member or significant person in an alcoholic's or drug addict's life that contributes to the afflicted person's continued use and abuse of the substance. Examples of enabling include making excuses for the afflicted person and/or supplying the person with the alcohol or drug.”
With a few word substitutions, the aforementioned quotes could be describing a GOW or a WOW (Wife Of a Widower) who is either actively or passively, out of the goodness of her heart and with good intentions, enabling her widower’s grief by being compassionate, patient, or simply unquestioning about his bereavement journey:
“Family member or significant person in a widower’s life that contributes to the widower’s continued grief. Examples of enabling include making excuses for the widower and/or supplying the person with so much understanding and patience that he develops more reasons to grieve.”
Famous drug and alcohol rehabilitation therapist, psychotherapist, clinical hypnotherapist, group therapy facilitator, and life, business & spiritual coach Dr. Jannette Robert Murray of Spokane, Washington concludes:
“Any time you assist/allow another person to continue in their unproductive/unhealthy/addictive behavior, whether actively or passively, you are enabling! So even when you say nothing (such as ‘minding your own business’), you are enabling the behavior to continue. Sometimes you say nothing out of fear — fear of reprisal, fear of the other person hating/hurting/not liking you; or fear of butting in where you don’t think you belong.”
In a love relationship with a widower, YOU are an integral part of the coupling. His feelings are important, and as such, become your business as well. Alas, fear of his negative reaction to their questions is the major reason why some GOWs/WOWs have shied away from discussing their widowers’ grief with their men.
The therapist continues: “Sometimes enabling takes the form of doing something for another that they should do for themselves. Rather than recognizing there is a problem, the addict assumes a fighting mode – a “fight or flight” reaction - rather than taking responsibility for correcting the situation in a healthy way.”
This is true of a widower who, after initially proclaiming his feelings for his new love, inexplicably backs out of the relationship.
Most if not all WOWs/GOWs want to assist their widowed men in their bereavement recovery. It is a natural, human reaction to want to aid the hurting person you love. But where does a GOW/WOW draw the line between being a healthy helpmate and a grief enabler? And how does one distinguish between the two?
To gauge whether or not you are a grief enabler, you must first answer the following questions:
~Are you afraid to discuss your widower’s grief with him?
~Has your widower ever angrily dismissed your questions about his grief feelings and refused to discuss them with you?
~Are you an insecure person whose recent relationship with a widower has lowered your sense of self-esteem even further?
~Do you feel secure in this relationship, or does his grief threaten your sense of relationship security?
~Do you resent having allowed your widower to discuss his late wife/previous marriage/grief feelings to the extent that you have concluded he may never have a healthy relationship with you?
~Do you feel that you have been too understanding; that your compassionate response to his grief may be hindering his recovery?
~ Have you made excuses to others – or yourself - about your widower’s grief?
~Do you get satisfaction from being the compassionate martyr in this relationship?
~ Can you imagine a relationship with your widower that does not include grief?
~Do you have a need for power/control in your relationship that you feel will give you power/control over your fear?
As you will see, some of these questions address the GOW’s or WOW’s sense of self-esteem prior to the relationship with the widower. The reason for this is because most enablers react out of their own low self-esteem. Their past life experiences have not gained for them the ability to say no, draw boundary lines, or assert themselves without fear of losing the love or caring of that other person. People who learn ‘tough love’ have to learn that their former behaviors have been enabling, and that to continue in them would constitute allowing the other person’s pattern of behavior to continue... and to worsen! Thus, recognising your own issues regarding self-esteem is the first step toward recognising, and thus healing, your enabling issues.
Dr. Murray continues:
“Enabling comes from codependency. The term codependency refers to a relationship where one or both parties enable the other to act in certain maladaptive ways. Codependent personalities evolve from attempts to keep some type of order in a hurtful relationship. Many times, the act of enabling satisfies a need for the codependent person because his or her actions foster a dependency from the other person or persons in the relationship.”
Are you attempting to keep order in your relationship with your widower by enabling his grief? In some unhealthy GOW/WOW/widower relationships, the widower continues to NEED to grieve because he cannot imagine NOT grieving. To him, moving beyond bereavement is akin to a betrayal in forgetting his late wife/past marriage, something that is unfathomable to him because he equates forgetting with forever ceasing to love his late wife.
The WOW/GOW in this kind of relationship continues to NEED to be needed for her sympathy, kindness, and patience while loving him. She gets some kind of thrill from playing the martyr, bypassing her own needs and issues in order to “rescue” her widower from his grief pain. The two people feed off of each other’s neediness and, while doing so, unwittingly stall their own love relationship from progressing in a healthy way. In return, they each resent – and start to lose respect for – the other.
Dr. Murray claims: "Codependency is reinforced by a person's need to be needed. The grief enabler thinks irrationally, believing she can maintain a healthy relationship with her widower through manipulation and control. She believes she can do this by avoiding conflict and fostering dependency."
"Another way a codependent person can continue to foster this dependency from her widower is by controlling situations and people around her.
As a child, you may have been reinforced to comply with actions and decisions of a parent instead of being afforded opportunities to challenge those actions that you found to be wrong. Can you see how these types of messages could foster the development of irrational thinking? The ongoing themes in a codependent home are to avoid conflicts and problems and to make excuses for destructive or hurtful behavior."
"You may ask: What is the harm with trying to keep the peace? The power afforded to the codependent person in a relationship reinforces her need for control even if she uses inappropriate means to fulfill her need to be in control."
In a relationship with a widower, for example, instead of allowing her man to lead the way through grief-related situations such as his late wife’s death anniversary, the grief enabler controls the day. She announces that she will accompany her widower to the cemetery. She invites family and friends, both past and present, to a memorial in the late wife’s honour. And by doing so, she feeds her need to be viewed as the wonderfully understanding partner by her widowers and others, which in turn satisfies her sense of self-esteem and powerlessness. Sadly, by doing so, her widower now has another reason to stall his grief recovery in that by allowing the GOW/WOW to control the day, he can avoid the necessary walk through “anniversary grief” required in order to grow and heal from it.
Another example of controlling the WOW/GOW/widower relationship though the widower’s grief feelings would be how many GOWs/WOWs are afraid of discussing their widower’s grief with him. They are afraid of any mention of the late wife. These women are too competitive with her memory, and as such, fear that allowing the widower to discuss her equates allowing him to “hang onto” her memory. The WOW/GOW feels that by hanging onto his memory of his late wife, the widower’s grief will never end. In the WOW/GOW’s irrational mind, allowing the widower to hang onto his memories and love for his late wife means she herself will forever be “second best” and may never “measure up to” the late wife in his eyes. Without concrete knowledge of grief recovery and how discussing grief feelings is important to a widower’s healing, the WOW/GOW will continue to be the silent enabler.
Finally, an important but often overlooked aspect of enabling centers on the inconsistent messages and unclear expectations presented by someone who is codependent. Dr. Murray says, “These characteristics contribute to a relationship filled with irrational thoughts and behavior. This kind of relationship has no clear rules to right and wrong behavior.”
For example, some GOWs/WOWs refuse to draw boundary lines within their relationships with their widowers. These women expect respect and sensitivity, but without first expressing their GOW/WOW-related issues coherently, they often find themselves in heated arguments with their confused men.
To illustrate, imagine a GOW who silently hurts whenever she views pictures of the late wife in her widowed boyfriend’s home. She fears mentioning her issue for fear that her widower will find her petty, competitive, and insecure. By staying silent, she begins to harbour resentment for her widower, which may manifest in angry, derogatory comments about the late wife in conversations with him or others. The widower, who is clueless as to the origin of the GOW’s pain, finds her behaviour confusing if not insensitive, and begins to question the stability of the relationship. The GOW feels him pulling away, but irrationally excuses his actions by concluding that he loves his late wife MORE than he will ever love her. When the relationship finally ends, the GOW finds comfort in her belief that it was his fault, not hers.
Noted television psychiatrist Dr. Phil McGraw claims, “We teach others how to treat us.” Exactly right! We cannot expect anyone, much less our widowers, to treat us how we want to be treated unless or until we define for them our issues, fears, and boundaries. Doing so illuminates “right and wrong” within the relationship, and gives our significant others clear insight into our expectations of treatment.
Is it difficult to stop enabling? Dr. Murray says yes, but there is hope! "It’s difficult if you’re trying to do it with will power. And it’s not easy until you know you deserve to stop; till you know that you are lovable regardless of what the person you’ve enabled says to the contrary…until you raise your own self-esteem enough to be that strong. Interestingly, you may think it’s the other person who needs all the help. In truth, you both do! It becomes easier and easier to release the bonds of codependency as you, yourself, become stronger, healthier, and more whole."
Loving yourself, raising your self-esteem, learning all about the patterns of codependence/enabling/over-giving and how to be more assertive in saying what you mean are all VITAL steps to take in order to be a healthy helpmate in a relationship with a widower.
When you become your own highest priority, regardless of the widower’s priorities, you will learn to make it happen. Remember, no one will ever care as much about you as much as you should care about yourself, including your widower.
Many medical dictionaries define an enabler as follows:
“Family member or significant person in an alcoholic's or drug addict's life that contributes to the afflicted person's continued use and abuse of the substance. Examples of enabling include making excuses for the afflicted person and/or supplying the person with the alcohol or drug.”
With a few word substitutions, the aforementioned quotes could be describing a GOW or a WOW (Wife Of a Widower) who is either actively or passively, out of the goodness of her heart and with good intentions, enabling her widower’s grief by being compassionate, patient, or simply unquestioning about his bereavement journey:
“Family member or significant person in a widower’s life that contributes to the widower’s continued grief. Examples of enabling include making excuses for the widower and/or supplying the person with so much understanding and patience that he develops more reasons to grieve.”
Famous drug and alcohol rehabilitation therapist, psychotherapist, clinical hypnotherapist, group therapy facilitator, and life, business & spiritual coach Dr. Jannette Robert Murray of Spokane, Washington concludes:
“Any time you assist/allow another person to continue in their unproductive/unhealthy/addictive behavior, whether actively or passively, you are enabling! So even when you say nothing (such as ‘minding your own business’), you are enabling the behavior to continue. Sometimes you say nothing out of fear — fear of reprisal, fear of the other person hating/hurting/not liking you; or fear of butting in where you don’t think you belong.”
In a love relationship with a widower, YOU are an integral part of the coupling. His feelings are important, and as such, become your business as well. Alas, fear of his negative reaction to their questions is the major reason why some GOWs/WOWs have shied away from discussing their widowers’ grief with their men.
The therapist continues: “Sometimes enabling takes the form of doing something for another that they should do for themselves. Rather than recognizing there is a problem, the addict assumes a fighting mode – a “fight or flight” reaction - rather than taking responsibility for correcting the situation in a healthy way.”
This is true of a widower who, after initially proclaiming his feelings for his new love, inexplicably backs out of the relationship.
Most if not all WOWs/GOWs want to assist their widowed men in their bereavement recovery. It is a natural, human reaction to want to aid the hurting person you love. But where does a GOW/WOW draw the line between being a healthy helpmate and a grief enabler? And how does one distinguish between the two?
To gauge whether or not you are a grief enabler, you must first answer the following questions:
~Are you afraid to discuss your widower’s grief with him?
~Has your widower ever angrily dismissed your questions about his grief feelings and refused to discuss them with you?
~Are you an insecure person whose recent relationship with a widower has lowered your sense of self-esteem even further?
~Do you feel secure in this relationship, or does his grief threaten your sense of relationship security?
~Do you resent having allowed your widower to discuss his late wife/previous marriage/grief feelings to the extent that you have concluded he may never have a healthy relationship with you?
~Do you feel that you have been too understanding; that your compassionate response to his grief may be hindering his recovery?
~ Have you made excuses to others – or yourself - about your widower’s grief?
~Do you get satisfaction from being the compassionate martyr in this relationship?
~ Can you imagine a relationship with your widower that does not include grief?
~Do you have a need for power/control in your relationship that you feel will give you power/control over your fear?
As you will see, some of these questions address the GOW’s or WOW’s sense of self-esteem prior to the relationship with the widower. The reason for this is because most enablers react out of their own low self-esteem. Their past life experiences have not gained for them the ability to say no, draw boundary lines, or assert themselves without fear of losing the love or caring of that other person. People who learn ‘tough love’ have to learn that their former behaviors have been enabling, and that to continue in them would constitute allowing the other person’s pattern of behavior to continue... and to worsen! Thus, recognising your own issues regarding self-esteem is the first step toward recognising, and thus healing, your enabling issues.
Dr. Murray continues:
“Enabling comes from codependency. The term codependency refers to a relationship where one or both parties enable the other to act in certain maladaptive ways. Codependent personalities evolve from attempts to keep some type of order in a hurtful relationship. Many times, the act of enabling satisfies a need for the codependent person because his or her actions foster a dependency from the other person or persons in the relationship.”
Are you attempting to keep order in your relationship with your widower by enabling his grief? In some unhealthy GOW/WOW/widower relationships, the widower continues to NEED to grieve because he cannot imagine NOT grieving. To him, moving beyond bereavement is akin to a betrayal in forgetting his late wife/past marriage, something that is unfathomable to him because he equates forgetting with forever ceasing to love his late wife.
The WOW/GOW in this kind of relationship continues to NEED to be needed for her sympathy, kindness, and patience while loving him. She gets some kind of thrill from playing the martyr, bypassing her own needs and issues in order to “rescue” her widower from his grief pain. The two people feed off of each other’s neediness and, while doing so, unwittingly stall their own love relationship from progressing in a healthy way. In return, they each resent – and start to lose respect for – the other.
Dr. Murray claims: "Codependency is reinforced by a person's need to be needed. The grief enabler thinks irrationally, believing she can maintain a healthy relationship with her widower through manipulation and control. She believes she can do this by avoiding conflict and fostering dependency."
"Another way a codependent person can continue to foster this dependency from her widower is by controlling situations and people around her.
As a child, you may have been reinforced to comply with actions and decisions of a parent instead of being afforded opportunities to challenge those actions that you found to be wrong. Can you see how these types of messages could foster the development of irrational thinking? The ongoing themes in a codependent home are to avoid conflicts and problems and to make excuses for destructive or hurtful behavior."
"You may ask: What is the harm with trying to keep the peace? The power afforded to the codependent person in a relationship reinforces her need for control even if she uses inappropriate means to fulfill her need to be in control."
In a relationship with a widower, for example, instead of allowing her man to lead the way through grief-related situations such as his late wife’s death anniversary, the grief enabler controls the day. She announces that she will accompany her widower to the cemetery. She invites family and friends, both past and present, to a memorial in the late wife’s honour. And by doing so, she feeds her need to be viewed as the wonderfully understanding partner by her widowers and others, which in turn satisfies her sense of self-esteem and powerlessness. Sadly, by doing so, her widower now has another reason to stall his grief recovery in that by allowing the GOW/WOW to control the day, he can avoid the necessary walk through “anniversary grief” required in order to grow and heal from it.
Another example of controlling the WOW/GOW/widower relationship though the widower’s grief feelings would be how many GOWs/WOWs are afraid of discussing their widower’s grief with him. They are afraid of any mention of the late wife. These women are too competitive with her memory, and as such, fear that allowing the widower to discuss her equates allowing him to “hang onto” her memory. The WOW/GOW feels that by hanging onto his memory of his late wife, the widower’s grief will never end. In the WOW/GOW’s irrational mind, allowing the widower to hang onto his memories and love for his late wife means she herself will forever be “second best” and may never “measure up to” the late wife in his eyes. Without concrete knowledge of grief recovery and how discussing grief feelings is important to a widower’s healing, the WOW/GOW will continue to be the silent enabler.
Finally, an important but often overlooked aspect of enabling centers on the inconsistent messages and unclear expectations presented by someone who is codependent. Dr. Murray says, “These characteristics contribute to a relationship filled with irrational thoughts and behavior. This kind of relationship has no clear rules to right and wrong behavior.”
For example, some GOWs/WOWs refuse to draw boundary lines within their relationships with their widowers. These women expect respect and sensitivity, but without first expressing their GOW/WOW-related issues coherently, they often find themselves in heated arguments with their confused men.
To illustrate, imagine a GOW who silently hurts whenever she views pictures of the late wife in her widowed boyfriend’s home. She fears mentioning her issue for fear that her widower will find her petty, competitive, and insecure. By staying silent, she begins to harbour resentment for her widower, which may manifest in angry, derogatory comments about the late wife in conversations with him or others. The widower, who is clueless as to the origin of the GOW’s pain, finds her behaviour confusing if not insensitive, and begins to question the stability of the relationship. The GOW feels him pulling away, but irrationally excuses his actions by concluding that he loves his late wife MORE than he will ever love her. When the relationship finally ends, the GOW finds comfort in her belief that it was his fault, not hers.
Noted television psychiatrist Dr. Phil McGraw claims, “We teach others how to treat us.” Exactly right! We cannot expect anyone, much less our widowers, to treat us how we want to be treated unless or until we define for them our issues, fears, and boundaries. Doing so illuminates “right and wrong” within the relationship, and gives our significant others clear insight into our expectations of treatment.
Is it difficult to stop enabling? Dr. Murray says yes, but there is hope! "It’s difficult if you’re trying to do it with will power. And it’s not easy until you know you deserve to stop; till you know that you are lovable regardless of what the person you’ve enabled says to the contrary…until you raise your own self-esteem enough to be that strong. Interestingly, you may think it’s the other person who needs all the help. In truth, you both do! It becomes easier and easier to release the bonds of codependency as you, yourself, become stronger, healthier, and more whole."
Loving yourself, raising your self-esteem, learning all about the patterns of codependence/enabling/over-giving and how to be more assertive in saying what you mean are all VITAL steps to take in order to be a healthy helpmate in a relationship with a widower.
When you become your own highest priority, regardless of the widower’s priorities, you will learn to make it happen. Remember, no one will ever care as much about you as much as you should care about yourself, including your widower.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The Valley Of The Shadow of Hope
As the wife of a former widower, many people assume that it is my job to help my husband forget his late wife, to erase her memory from his mind, and to eliminate the love he has had for her from his heart. After all, how could he possibly move beyond bereavement with hope for his future if he still clung to the past? How could he love two women at the same time? Worst yet, how could I, as his new wife, ever feel hopeful about a marriage of two souls while a part of this unique triangle of three?
My best explanation would be this: I have learned to embrace my husband’s late wife. She, like all wives, has played a very large part in creating the wonderful man I married. While he is probably much different than the man she knew, my husband’s late wife has left her legacy of love to me within him. I have much for which to be grateful to her. Why would I ever wish her memory to be dishonoured if I stand to gain so much more by embracing this unusual triangle: my husband, myself, and the late wife?
Being rapturously in love with my husband, I was recently reminded of our own beautiful wedding when we were in attendance together at another.
But while dabbing my tears as I sat in the church pew, something suddenly struck me as strange. If I promise to love, honor, and cherish my husband until death parts us, then is it my duty – my solemn vow before God – to stop loving, honoring, and cherishing him when he does die? Certainly God never intended for us to put the brakes on our deepest emotions just because our partner in life has been taken from us physically…or does He?
Newlyweds don’t think twice about repeating these sacred vows. They are certain that their love with stand the test of time and that their loving feelings will overcome all future obstacles. It is this hope – not the fragrant flowers or pretty bridesmaids - that makes weddings intimately grand. Hope is the reason wedding guests bring tissues and handkerchiefs. Hope is a beautiful thing.
But when a spouse loses his or her life partner to death, hope may be doomed to the wayside temporarily. It is difficult to be hopeful when your soul mate has been ripped from your life, leaving you alone, afraid, and sad beyond words. But love does not cease to exist, and neither does the desire to honor and cherish your mate simply because he or she is now just a memory – an honoured, cherished memory.
When the worst happens, hope is suspended in limbo. When we grieve, we forget that hope is an option. Insightful people know intrinsically that without hope, a widow or widower will not survive emotionally for very long. This is why their friends and family become protective and concerned, flocking to the bereaved’s side to remind their loved one that hope is still in sight and will be a beacon through the darkest of days ahead.
But where does one so deep in grief tap into this source of hope when life now feels like a barren wasteland of useless energy?
The answer is love.
With love, all things are possible. And from that realm of possibility, hope springs eternal. To love is to keep hope alive, and to hope is to keep love alive. It takes courage to love, lose a loved one, and love again. It takes hope to make it happen.
God never meant for us to stop loving our spouses when they die. Rather, He created love to be unconditional, eternal, and renewable. He knew that through love, we could find the hope that He so generously gifts us – love that stands the tests of time, even through the valley of the shadow of death. And in His wisdom, He created love and hope to be inseparable parts of the human spirit.
I believe that churches worldwide should change the marriage vows to reflect the two universal truths that all widows and widowers have come to know: Love never dies - even after loss, and the desire to honor and cherish the memory of a lost love is not buried along with the deceased, either.
My husband’s undying love for his late wife, and the hope that it inspired in him, have benefited me as his new wife in many ways. But the most important is being enveloped in a circle of love that will never end and a hope that will never die. To erase or eliminate that from my husband’s heart would be marital suicide. But to embrace his love for his late wife only perpetuates the wondrous cycle of endless love and strengthens our own union forever.
My best explanation would be this: I have learned to embrace my husband’s late wife. She, like all wives, has played a very large part in creating the wonderful man I married. While he is probably much different than the man she knew, my husband’s late wife has left her legacy of love to me within him. I have much for which to be grateful to her. Why would I ever wish her memory to be dishonoured if I stand to gain so much more by embracing this unusual triangle: my husband, myself, and the late wife?
Being rapturously in love with my husband, I was recently reminded of our own beautiful wedding when we were in attendance together at another.
But while dabbing my tears as I sat in the church pew, something suddenly struck me as strange. If I promise to love, honor, and cherish my husband until death parts us, then is it my duty – my solemn vow before God – to stop loving, honoring, and cherishing him when he does die? Certainly God never intended for us to put the brakes on our deepest emotions just because our partner in life has been taken from us physically…or does He?
Newlyweds don’t think twice about repeating these sacred vows. They are certain that their love with stand the test of time and that their loving feelings will overcome all future obstacles. It is this hope – not the fragrant flowers or pretty bridesmaids - that makes weddings intimately grand. Hope is the reason wedding guests bring tissues and handkerchiefs. Hope is a beautiful thing.
But when a spouse loses his or her life partner to death, hope may be doomed to the wayside temporarily. It is difficult to be hopeful when your soul mate has been ripped from your life, leaving you alone, afraid, and sad beyond words. But love does not cease to exist, and neither does the desire to honor and cherish your mate simply because he or she is now just a memory – an honoured, cherished memory.
When the worst happens, hope is suspended in limbo. When we grieve, we forget that hope is an option. Insightful people know intrinsically that without hope, a widow or widower will not survive emotionally for very long. This is why their friends and family become protective and concerned, flocking to the bereaved’s side to remind their loved one that hope is still in sight and will be a beacon through the darkest of days ahead.
But where does one so deep in grief tap into this source of hope when life now feels like a barren wasteland of useless energy?
The answer is love.
With love, all things are possible. And from that realm of possibility, hope springs eternal. To love is to keep hope alive, and to hope is to keep love alive. It takes courage to love, lose a loved one, and love again. It takes hope to make it happen.
God never meant for us to stop loving our spouses when they die. Rather, He created love to be unconditional, eternal, and renewable. He knew that through love, we could find the hope that He so generously gifts us – love that stands the tests of time, even through the valley of the shadow of death. And in His wisdom, He created love and hope to be inseparable parts of the human spirit.
I believe that churches worldwide should change the marriage vows to reflect the two universal truths that all widows and widowers have come to know: Love never dies - even after loss, and the desire to honor and cherish the memory of a lost love is not buried along with the deceased, either.
My husband’s undying love for his late wife, and the hope that it inspired in him, have benefited me as his new wife in many ways. But the most important is being enveloped in a circle of love that will never end and a hope that will never die. To erase or eliminate that from my husband’s heart would be marital suicide. But to embrace his love for his late wife only perpetuates the wondrous cycle of endless love and strengthens our own union forever.
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