Men do not give their hearts away easily, do they?!grrr....! Yet when they do, it is like the BEST gift of all. How long do you suppose it takes to determine if you love someone? Seems like we ladies fall in love rather easily. We say "I love you" to our best friends, our parents, and even minor players in our lives like soccer coaches and teachers...lol! It's so easy for us! On the other hand, men tend to take their time. I suppose the difference is that women FEEL their way, hearts first, while men tend to work out their emotions with their brains first. They don't want to risk anything until they are sure they can handle what comes after the "I love you". Feelings can be uncomfortable for some men, even embarrassing. I guess it's how some of them are raised to be tough and strong, and NOT to show emotion. But Lord love a man who finally gets in touch with his feminine side!
So who's right? Is it better to wait until you are 100% sure you love someone before blurting out the words, or is it better to just let your heart do the talking? Hmmm....'tis a quandry the world may never know. One thing's for sure: those who are waiting for their men to take the "I Love You" leap of faith must first determine if the man is worth the wait. Those whose impatience gets the best of them risk pushing their men into an ultimatum they may not be ready to face.
It's so hard to wait for something we really want. (Just ask my 9 yr. old, whose Christmas list just keeps getting longer. lol) Things that come too easily are not as deeply appreciated. Remember, if a man said "I love you" TOO easily, we would be suspisious of that, too! I confes that I said the words first, too. But in my case, I got the same back in return, so I can't relate to those who pine for the day when they hear those precious words. I'm not sure I could be as patient as some of you who wait. You have my admiration!
I truly believe that a mature man (not only in age but life experience, as well as inner maturity) doesn't say ILY unless or until he can back up his mouth with actions. Saying ILY is not something a mature man takes lightly. He knows the significance not only of the words themselves, but everything behind them, i.e., commitment. Commitment is a BIG thing for most men. They know it is life-changing, as it changes the dynamics of a relationship from casual to deeply involved. It means planning a future, respecting his love's needs and views, and sharing his heart and soul, faults and all. It means accepting what he cannot change, and having the courage to face whatever may come. It is risky because most mature men enjoy control, yet since they cannot see the future, it's like a leap off a bridge for them....a leap of faith.
Most mature men will not say ILY just because they know their love wants to hear those words. Being that commitment is attached to uttering those words, he thinks looong and hard before saying them, for all the reasons heretofore mentioned.Now...add the fact that said man is a widower, and saying ILY takes on a whole different realm of significance: It means setting the past in its proper place, once and for all. It is a casting-off of all things formerly familiar, and accepting that something new (yet still wonderful!) is about to happen. It means overcoming all the guilt feelings that normally and usually accompany loving again after loss. It means overcoming any fear of losing someone else (you!) to death once again. It means working out the delicate dance of loving the LW AND a new love at the same time. It means giving up his comfort zone of post-grief that he has worked so hard to achieve for himself by making room for new love and the new life that comes with her. It means juggling the emotions and attitudes of friends and family who knew and loved the LW. But most of all, saying ILY means he is ready...to commit, to live again, and to love again with his whole, healed heart.
Some men are reluctant to say the words until they are confident that they will hear them in return. Women are like that, too! But because men are not really good at expressing themselves emotionally BEFORE those three little words are uttered, women tend to have the harder job of saying it first because they don't have much "prior knowledge" to feed their confidence about hearing it back. In that respect, men would be wise to at least allude to the fact that they are in love, that the women he love sis #1 in his heart and the center of his universe - barring all others - and that the he sees a future with her.
I think we women can learn a lot from mature men in this respect. We ladies tend to burst forth with ILYs based on sheer emotion, sometimes without really thinking it through. Sometimes, women manipulate men with those words by going on a fishing expedition, hoping to hear the same in return, and are disappointed when they aren't. Some women I know can make a go out of loving ANY ol' man who comes along and gives them a wink, because it is easy for them to live with (or overlook) the man's major faults, or because they are afraid of being alone.
Don't get me wrong. For MOST women, saying ILY is just as significant, but I truly believe there is a vast difference between the sexes in one main respect: when a woman says ILY, she is, first and foremost, expressing emotion/feelings. When a man says it, he has done a great deal of soul-searching prior to saying it, and when he does finally say it, he is expressing not only emotion, but also his depth of commitment to the woman AND to the future. Knowing this, hearing ILY from the man you love is truly a gift unlike no other.
I find it interesting that we women need to hear those words so badly when we KNOW in our heart of hearts that the men we love DO love us, even if they don't say it. We know the sun will rise tomorrow, but do we constantly need to hear from the weatherman that this is true? Sure, an inexperienvced child needs to be verbally reminded that the stove is HOT and may hurt her, but grown-ups know from experience and maturity that the stove is hot. I never heard my father utter the words "I love you" to my mother in the 50+ years they were married, but there was and is nooo doubt in my mind that they love/loved each other deeply. How can we, as grown women, need soooo much verbal affirmation, when instead, we should be relying on our wisdom and life experience to affirm to OURSELVES that these men love us, instead of constantly seeking approval from said men?!
Faith is believing in things unseen, yet felt. Where is your faith in your self, your relationship, and your men? Is the verbal affirmation of his love MORE important that his ACTS of love? The constant need for verbal affirmation of love sometimes masks a deeper need to feel worthy of that love. To feel worthy of love, you only need to look in the mirror, ladies. You ARE worthy. You ARE loved!
I think it's fine if a woman can live without hearing ILY, so long as she is SHOWN love. That it works for both you and your W means your relationship is cemented by equitable agreement, i.e., neither one of you feels either is missing out on anything by not hearing those words. However, many women - myself included - DO have a need to not only be shown love but also HEAR those three little words from the men we love. "Actions speak louder than words" is fine...as long as both people embrace this as a life motto. However, when one person from the couple feels slighted because their need to hear ILY is so strong, a problem arises that needs addressing.
There IS no "right or wrong" regarding our personal needs when it comes to relationships. Needs are needs - personal and unique to each individual person. Some people need affection, while others are uncomfortable with it. Some people need sappy greeting cards to commemorate every holiday, birthday, and anniversary, while others are fine with less materialistic acknowledgements of loving feelings. The point is, none of us should have to feel guilty about having needs, and no one should have to explain why they do or do not have them. I respect other people's needs, even though I may not understand them, and especially if they differ greatly from my own. Doesn't that essentially define the word "tolerance"...something this world could use a lot more of?
Thus, those who may judge, laugh at, or otherwise minimize my personal need to hear those three little words from my husband aren't even worthy of consideration in my book since they're not me and couldn't possibly understand my intimately personal choices....just as I could not possibly understand theirs. Whatever works for a relationship in the "ILY" department may be fine for one particular couple, but may not be for another. Relationships work best when both people MUTUALLY agree on any issue as it pertains to their relationship. C'est la vie!! :)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Communicating WOW/GOW Issues Using The Three Cs
Many GOWs/WOWs are hesitant to discuss their needs and issues with their Ws for a variety of reasons. Some feel their Ws already have enough to worry/think/grieve about, so why add to his burdens? Others dare not upset the delicate balance of peace they have worked so hard to achieve within their relationships, so why risk "fixing something that ain't broken"? Still others are just so used to walking on eggshells around their Ws' grief needs - while putting their own needs on the back burner - that they cannot even fathom asking their Ws to talk about the thousands of LW pictures around the house, her clothes still hanging in their closet, or her toxic relatives. To these GOWs/WOWs, discussing such things would appear selfish, demanding, or otherwise insensitive to their poor Ws and the grief journey itself.
Balderdash!
Quieting a need and burying it deep inside does nothing to fix it. In fact, the very act of pushing your needs and issues aside for whatever reason breeds resentment against the one person whom you want to understand you. Exposing a negative need or issue to the light by airing it out is the only way to turn it into a positive.
Mood is important, so I advise against airing issues in the heat of anger, or at at time of a W's grief episode/trigger. To have a truly productive discussion, timing is everything. Having a chat right before bedtime, especially when a man is exhausted from a hard day's work, is not going to be very productive. Location is also key: I wouldn't recommend having a discussion in a public place or someone else's home. Once you have the right mood, atmosphere, place, and time, you have to express your message in such a way that it will be received with the same sensitivity as you deliver it, so that it will be heard and understood.
The keys to the successful delivery of your message lie within what I call The Three Cs: communication, cooperation, and compromise.
The first "C" - Communication - is about the shared experience of discussing one topic. It is not about one person hopping on their personal soapbox and giving an oration. Communication requires equality. It is about both parties participating in a give-and-take form of discussion. Communicating your GOW/WOW need or issue to your W is not about declaring what upsets you and then leaving it up to him to figure out a solution. It is about opening the doors of opportunity - the opportunity to grow your relationship through mutual understanding. It is about making yourself clear enough to be understood. This is no time to be vague. You have to summon all the courage you can, and state your feelings, not the issue itself. Instead of stating, "You still wear your LW's wedding ring and that's just wrong!" you want to address how it makes you FEEL by using "I" statements, such as "I feel sad when I see you wearing your LW's wedding ring, and it makes me feel second best in your heart." Using "you" statements, such as "You make me feel like second best by wearing your LW's wedding ring!" is not productive and will only put your W on the defensive. It's amazing how the DELIVERY of a message makes all the difference!
The second "C" - Cooperation - is about entering into a discussion with the intent to work together towards a solution. You MUST decide, prior to a discussion, that your sole purpose for communicating your needs and issues is mutual understanding for the health of your relationship. Thus, using ultimatums is no way to earn your partner's cooperation. Saying "Take that wedding ring off right now or else I'm outta here!" may be what you truly feel when you are hurt, but maturity dictates that you instead go to your partner with a positive attitude and agree to work WITH him, not against him. Cooperation is also about listening as well as talking. When you communicate, it's not all about you, but it's not all about him, either. You each have an equal opportunity to express yourselves. In an ideal discussion, one person has the "floor", while the other listens without interruption. When that person is done, then the other person can have the floor...and so on.
Once you have communicated your issue, and you each have cooperated by patiently listening to each other without interruption, knowing the purpose of your discussion is a positive, productive way to get to a solution, the next step is the last "C" - Compromise.
Compromise is also a give-and-take action. In fact, it is THE ULTIMATE give-and-take, because you EACH have to give a little to get a little. Compromise means you aren't going to get everything you hoped for, but you'll get something you can live with. For example, using the same issue illustration of a W wearing his LW's wedding ring, you might arrive at a compromise wherein the W gets to keep it, but agrees to put it in a place where you do not have to see it constantly on his finger, perhaps in a special jewelry box or a safe deposit box at your local bank. He has to give up wearing it, but gets to keep it. YOU get the satisfaction of not having to see it on his finger all the time, but you have to give him the choice about what to do with it after it comes off his finger. I believe this compromise is one both parties can live with.
By using The Three Cs, the couple in the illustration arrive at a solution that is satisfactory to both. But best of all, they do so with their relationship intact, without resentment, and with a deeper respect for the other's ability to speak up, listen sensitively, and work positively in a healthy atmosphere of loving kindness.
Balderdash!
Quieting a need and burying it deep inside does nothing to fix it. In fact, the very act of pushing your needs and issues aside for whatever reason breeds resentment against the one person whom you want to understand you. Exposing a negative need or issue to the light by airing it out is the only way to turn it into a positive.
Mood is important, so I advise against airing issues in the heat of anger, or at at time of a W's grief episode/trigger. To have a truly productive discussion, timing is everything. Having a chat right before bedtime, especially when a man is exhausted from a hard day's work, is not going to be very productive. Location is also key: I wouldn't recommend having a discussion in a public place or someone else's home. Once you have the right mood, atmosphere, place, and time, you have to express your message in such a way that it will be received with the same sensitivity as you deliver it, so that it will be heard and understood.
The keys to the successful delivery of your message lie within what I call The Three Cs: communication, cooperation, and compromise.
The first "C" - Communication - is about the shared experience of discussing one topic. It is not about one person hopping on their personal soapbox and giving an oration. Communication requires equality. It is about both parties participating in a give-and-take form of discussion. Communicating your GOW/WOW need or issue to your W is not about declaring what upsets you and then leaving it up to him to figure out a solution. It is about opening the doors of opportunity - the opportunity to grow your relationship through mutual understanding. It is about making yourself clear enough to be understood. This is no time to be vague. You have to summon all the courage you can, and state your feelings, not the issue itself. Instead of stating, "You still wear your LW's wedding ring and that's just wrong!" you want to address how it makes you FEEL by using "I" statements, such as "I feel sad when I see you wearing your LW's wedding ring, and it makes me feel second best in your heart." Using "you" statements, such as "You make me feel like second best by wearing your LW's wedding ring!" is not productive and will only put your W on the defensive. It's amazing how the DELIVERY of a message makes all the difference!
The second "C" - Cooperation - is about entering into a discussion with the intent to work together towards a solution. You MUST decide, prior to a discussion, that your sole purpose for communicating your needs and issues is mutual understanding for the health of your relationship. Thus, using ultimatums is no way to earn your partner's cooperation. Saying "Take that wedding ring off right now or else I'm outta here!" may be what you truly feel when you are hurt, but maturity dictates that you instead go to your partner with a positive attitude and agree to work WITH him, not against him. Cooperation is also about listening as well as talking. When you communicate, it's not all about you, but it's not all about him, either. You each have an equal opportunity to express yourselves. In an ideal discussion, one person has the "floor", while the other listens without interruption. When that person is done, then the other person can have the floor...and so on.
Once you have communicated your issue, and you each have cooperated by patiently listening to each other without interruption, knowing the purpose of your discussion is a positive, productive way to get to a solution, the next step is the last "C" - Compromise.
Compromise is also a give-and-take action. In fact, it is THE ULTIMATE give-and-take, because you EACH have to give a little to get a little. Compromise means you aren't going to get everything you hoped for, but you'll get something you can live with. For example, using the same issue illustration of a W wearing his LW's wedding ring, you might arrive at a compromise wherein the W gets to keep it, but agrees to put it in a place where you do not have to see it constantly on his finger, perhaps in a special jewelry box or a safe deposit box at your local bank. He has to give up wearing it, but gets to keep it. YOU get the satisfaction of not having to see it on his finger all the time, but you have to give him the choice about what to do with it after it comes off his finger. I believe this compromise is one both parties can live with.
By using The Three Cs, the couple in the illustration arrive at a solution that is satisfactory to both. But best of all, they do so with their relationship intact, without resentment, and with a deeper respect for the other's ability to speak up, listen sensitively, and work positively in a healthy atmosphere of loving kindness.
Friday, August 21, 2009
The GOW Filter
Some people believe that any woman who would date or fall in love with a Widower (W) must have low self esteem. It's not that GOWs (Girlfriends Of Widowwers) who choose to continue relationships with a still-grieving Ws don't possess self-preservation skills, or that they are somehow "lacking" important character traits. On the contrary, these GOWs are to be applauded for their extraordinary tenacity, perseverence, patience, compassion, and strength!
Alas, society doesn't take kindly to the GOW - it already views her as "less than": she is simply a pale substitute for the LW...a curiosity...an interloper...someone riding on the coattails of the dearly departed...who doesn't have a lick of self-esteem or she wouldn't be persuing and enduring what society views as a hopeless cause. Society...is ignorant! And therein lies the amazing difference between a GOW and those less educated about grief: The GOW makes it her mission to really understand grief, as she knows early on in the relationship that grief will be a part of it to some extent. In doing her grief homework, she learns coping/communication/compromise/survival skills. She brings into the relationship with a W her own previously-defined set of personal boundaries, and coupled with her wisdom gained from life experience and past relationships, plus her growing knowledge of grief, she utilizes all this information to become the woman of excellence in the W's life.
Naturally, all women have what they define for themselves as "dealbreakers". But most of those are based on actions or behaviours she can or cannot tolerate in a MAN, not a widower. For example, I would never tolerate cheating. That is MY dealbreaker. But the behaviour of infidelity is more closely based on a human character flaw and not a W disposition. What I am trying to say is that when it comes to "dealbreakers", GOWs need to be sure that the character flaw or behaviour in question is more related to W being human and not based on a natural byproduct of his grief. To do this, she needs to call upon her grief knowledge to discern the difference between a behaviour that is either grief-motivated or man-defined....or a combination of both...W cheats on GOW? Dealbreaker! W abuses GOW? Dealbreaker! W hides GOW from his friends becasue he is afraid of what they might think of him dating so soon after LW's death? Hmm....that's a combination or man-defined (human character flaw) and grief-motivated, and may or may not be a dealbreaker, depending on other circumstances and information. One isolated incident of boyfriend idiocy should not, in my opinion, be grounds for dismissal. It'd be easy for society to scream "Dump the W!" for one incident because, as previously mentioned, society is ignorant about grief..and when a GOW does NOT react the way a grief-ignorant society expects, she is unfairly labeled a doormat and judged as an idiot herself!
Those of us on the "inside" of grief, whether via personal experience, research, or intimate relationship, are less apt to react in kneejerk fashion when a W exhibits confusing behaviour. After filtering his behaviours through the grief filter a GOW has carefully developed, then and only then can she determine if said behaviour is a dealbreaker or, instead, a time for patience and communication. This filter helps steer a GOW towards better decisions regarding both her relationship with a W AND her sense of self-preservation.
Alas, society doesn't take kindly to the GOW - it already views her as "less than": she is simply a pale substitute for the LW...a curiosity...an interloper...someone riding on the coattails of the dearly departed...who doesn't have a lick of self-esteem or she wouldn't be persuing and enduring what society views as a hopeless cause. Society...is ignorant! And therein lies the amazing difference between a GOW and those less educated about grief: The GOW makes it her mission to really understand grief, as she knows early on in the relationship that grief will be a part of it to some extent. In doing her grief homework, she learns coping/communication/compromise/survival skills. She brings into the relationship with a W her own previously-defined set of personal boundaries, and coupled with her wisdom gained from life experience and past relationships, plus her growing knowledge of grief, she utilizes all this information to become the woman of excellence in the W's life.
Naturally, all women have what they define for themselves as "dealbreakers". But most of those are based on actions or behaviours she can or cannot tolerate in a MAN, not a widower. For example, I would never tolerate cheating. That is MY dealbreaker. But the behaviour of infidelity is more closely based on a human character flaw and not a W disposition. What I am trying to say is that when it comes to "dealbreakers", GOWs need to be sure that the character flaw or behaviour in question is more related to W being human and not based on a natural byproduct of his grief. To do this, she needs to call upon her grief knowledge to discern the difference between a behaviour that is either grief-motivated or man-defined....or a combination of both...W cheats on GOW? Dealbreaker! W abuses GOW? Dealbreaker! W hides GOW from his friends becasue he is afraid of what they might think of him dating so soon after LW's death? Hmm....that's a combination or man-defined (human character flaw) and grief-motivated, and may or may not be a dealbreaker, depending on other circumstances and information. One isolated incident of boyfriend idiocy should not, in my opinion, be grounds for dismissal. It'd be easy for society to scream "Dump the W!" for one incident because, as previously mentioned, society is ignorant about grief..and when a GOW does NOT react the way a grief-ignorant society expects, she is unfairly labeled a doormat and judged as an idiot herself!
Those of us on the "inside" of grief, whether via personal experience, research, or intimate relationship, are less apt to react in kneejerk fashion when a W exhibits confusing behaviour. After filtering his behaviours through the grief filter a GOW has carefully developed, then and only then can she determine if said behaviour is a dealbreaker or, instead, a time for patience and communication. This filter helps steer a GOW towards better decisions regarding both her relationship with a W AND her sense of self-preservation.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Is A Widower "A Good Catch"?
As the wife of a former widower, I feel very blessed to be married to a man who knows how to make a marriage work. After all, he has a proven record of commitment. Wives of widowers (or WOWs, as I call them) are also fortunate in another respect: they are married to men who can love with all their hearts because these men know, from experience, that there IS a beautiful rainbow after every dark storm.
A widower is a man who has learned the hard way to embrace life, appreciate all it offers, and live it to the fullest, since he knows life can be short and time is fleeting. In his mind, he had the best marriage once, and he won’t settle for anything less the second time around, either! WOWs should consider themselves complimented!
I am often asked if part of my romantic interest in or attraction to my husband was related to his marital status. Perhaps it did—indirectly. It caused me to be more empathetic early in our relationship, which encouraged our budding friendship to blossom into love. But more often than not, the hidden meaning behind the question is, did I feel that I had something to gain, emotionally speaking, from his being a widower? Yes, and here’s why: My husband’s late wife died of cancer a year after her diagnosis. For a good part of the year prior to her eventual and inevitable death, he was her caretaker. Hollywood enjoys romanticizing this supreme sacrifice by portraying the selfless widower-to-be in movies as his dying spouse’s hero. His nurturing her until her last breath in his arms is both moving and touching, epic in its surrealism and in the emotional payoff at the box office. In reality, my husband did what he felt was appropriate and right as his wife’s husband. He took his “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” marriage vows very seriously. In short, he did what needed to be done, one day at a time, out of love and not to be a hero.
A widower who was his late wife’s caretaker is more often than not a man who has seen the ugly side of life, and still finds life beautiful. He knows what inner strength is all about, has had his resolved tested, and has passed with flying colors. He stands as a true symbol of commitment, for he is honorable in having respected the meaning of the word. He knows there is no obstacle that love and faith cannot overcome, as he makes his way through the valley of the shadow of death and into the light of bereavement recovery.
I believe because my husband lost a wife prior to marrying me, he was changed by the whole experience in many distinct ways. He has learned to be more sacrificing, more appreciative of what he has, and definitely more caring and less selfish. He is also more acutely sensitive to his family’s needs, and has a more profound sense of what “family” is really all about. The experience of loss has taught him that life cannot be taken for granted.
Had he not endured this great loss, perhaps he would be much less introspective, less empathic, less tender, and much more limited in every direction of his emotional spectrum. But now, he has this unbelievably mature perspective that life is all about change, and change equals growth. It’s an ironic truth in life that growth and love come from great pain and tragedy. In other words, how do we define “sweet” if we have never tasted “sour”? Who better than a widower to model this?
Perhaps I would not have been attracted to my husband as the person he was before his late wife passed away, considering how much he HAS grown and changed because of the loss. Those changes are beneficial to both the widower and his second wife because they are what build character traits that help us evolve into two people who are perfect for each other. If the old adage “All things, good and bad, happen for a reason” is true, then perhaps in order for him to be the perfect match for me, he first had to evolve into the man I fell in love with. To do that, he had to go through all the life experiences - the good, the bad, and the ugly - that made him who he is today.
People sometimes ask me, “Would you date a widower again, knowing what you know now about being a WOW?” I always respond positively. Our marriage is not defined by his loss and occasional bouts of sadness relating to grief any more than it is defined by my occasional bouts of feeling that second wife equals second best. We are simply a married couple, comprised of two individuals with unique life experiences. A widower is a good catch for any woman who understands that life is about enjoying the reality of the present and the dreams of the future while not allowing the past to interfere with either.
~~Copyright 2009 Julie Donner Andersen. All rights reserved. Reprints and excerpts only with prior written permission of author.
A widower is a man who has learned the hard way to embrace life, appreciate all it offers, and live it to the fullest, since he knows life can be short and time is fleeting. In his mind, he had the best marriage once, and he won’t settle for anything less the second time around, either! WOWs should consider themselves complimented!
I am often asked if part of my romantic interest in or attraction to my husband was related to his marital status. Perhaps it did—indirectly. It caused me to be more empathetic early in our relationship, which encouraged our budding friendship to blossom into love. But more often than not, the hidden meaning behind the question is, did I feel that I had something to gain, emotionally speaking, from his being a widower? Yes, and here’s why: My husband’s late wife died of cancer a year after her diagnosis. For a good part of the year prior to her eventual and inevitable death, he was her caretaker. Hollywood enjoys romanticizing this supreme sacrifice by portraying the selfless widower-to-be in movies as his dying spouse’s hero. His nurturing her until her last breath in his arms is both moving and touching, epic in its surrealism and in the emotional payoff at the box office. In reality, my husband did what he felt was appropriate and right as his wife’s husband. He took his “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” marriage vows very seriously. In short, he did what needed to be done, one day at a time, out of love and not to be a hero.
A widower who was his late wife’s caretaker is more often than not a man who has seen the ugly side of life, and still finds life beautiful. He knows what inner strength is all about, has had his resolved tested, and has passed with flying colors. He stands as a true symbol of commitment, for he is honorable in having respected the meaning of the word. He knows there is no obstacle that love and faith cannot overcome, as he makes his way through the valley of the shadow of death and into the light of bereavement recovery.
I believe because my husband lost a wife prior to marrying me, he was changed by the whole experience in many distinct ways. He has learned to be more sacrificing, more appreciative of what he has, and definitely more caring and less selfish. He is also more acutely sensitive to his family’s needs, and has a more profound sense of what “family” is really all about. The experience of loss has taught him that life cannot be taken for granted.
Had he not endured this great loss, perhaps he would be much less introspective, less empathic, less tender, and much more limited in every direction of his emotional spectrum. But now, he has this unbelievably mature perspective that life is all about change, and change equals growth. It’s an ironic truth in life that growth and love come from great pain and tragedy. In other words, how do we define “sweet” if we have never tasted “sour”? Who better than a widower to model this?
Perhaps I would not have been attracted to my husband as the person he was before his late wife passed away, considering how much he HAS grown and changed because of the loss. Those changes are beneficial to both the widower and his second wife because they are what build character traits that help us evolve into two people who are perfect for each other. If the old adage “All things, good and bad, happen for a reason” is true, then perhaps in order for him to be the perfect match for me, he first had to evolve into the man I fell in love with. To do that, he had to go through all the life experiences - the good, the bad, and the ugly - that made him who he is today.
People sometimes ask me, “Would you date a widower again, knowing what you know now about being a WOW?” I always respond positively. Our marriage is not defined by his loss and occasional bouts of sadness relating to grief any more than it is defined by my occasional bouts of feeling that second wife equals second best. We are simply a married couple, comprised of two individuals with unique life experiences. A widower is a good catch for any woman who understands that life is about enjoying the reality of the present and the dreams of the future while not allowing the past to interfere with either.
~~Copyright 2009 Julie Donner Andersen. All rights reserved. Reprints and excerpts only with prior written permission of author.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
The Three Types Of GOWs: Which One Are YOU?
In my 12 years of dealing with GOW/W relationships, I have come to the conclusion that there are three types of GOWs:
1.) The first type of GOW I like to call "The Spy". She sniffs around for every detail of LW's life: who she was, what she was like, what W's marriage to her was like, what did she looked like, what her personality like, what shoe size LW wore, how she was in bed, etc....ad nauseum. This kind of GOW is fishing for info in order to "size up the competition". She doesn't really want to "know" LW in order to embarce her; rather, she wants to know that she (the GOW) is somehow BETTER than LW, and is looking for comparisons where she can "best" LW. This type of GOW has probably always had trust issues, and comes across as insecure, needing to be constantly reassured of her W's love. She whines and moans constantly about feeling "second best" in W's heart because she is not secure and confident about the woman SHE is, so how can she believe W when he tries to tell her - over and over again - that he indeed loves her? This type of GOW claims W as her territory and becomes very territorial in her behaviour - and God help anyone who trespasses, including old friends and family of LW. This GOW will not and does not tolerate ANY discussion of the past. She CLAIMS it's because "the past no longer matters - we live in the present", but in reality, she is scared to death that any reminder of the past might result in her losing the man she loves, or that she just might pale in comparison.
2.) The second type of GOW is what I call "The Grief Therapist". She is waaay too understanding about W's grief episodes (AKA: "fits and starts" - where he's happily committed one day, breaking up with her the next, and back again). She can't tell the difference between normal "guy behaviour" and what constitutes normal grief behaviour, so to play it safe, she blames all his nonsense on his being a widower, thus excusing him every time he hurts her feelings. This type of GOW puts her own needs on the back burner in order to serve his grief needs, yet resents doing so very much.
There are two divisions of Grief Therapist:
~One is benevolent and truly feels that sacrificing her own needs, and not communicating them, serves "the greater good" of the relationship. She is happy to serve, and gets a great deal of self-esteem out of being the eternal martyr.
~The other will never complain, and will often stretch the truth of her relationship, sugar-coating it because she enjoys "keeping up appearances" of happiness since she rather likes being viewed as the heroine in the story of W's life. I feel for this type because she is spinning her wheels and getting nowhere fast. Her relationship is at a standstill. It can't move froward without communication of her needs, yet she's stuck and doesn't know how to get out of this pretty little grave she's dug herself into. What is pathetic about this type of GOW is that her relationship with W - and W himself - often suffers from all her selfess "grief therapy". Her benevolence often feeds W's ever-present guilt to the point of being burdensome, and when he breaks up with her because of it, she is at a loss to explain why.
3.) The third type of GOW is what I call "The Combo". She is a bit of Numbers 1 and 2, but more often than not, she is more of a realist. This type of GOW has the benefit of life experience. She is older, wiser, and has had a lifetime of perfecting other relatinships, so she brings to the table a great guidebook of life lessons she can use to navigate the waters with W.
Combo GOW wants to be patient and tries very hard to be, but she tires easily of holding onto hope when there are no guarantees that her patience will pay off for her. She is fairly good at communicating her needs, but she is easily frustrated when HIS seem so insurmountable. She trusts W's declarations of love, but sometimes, when the chips are down, she worries a bit that she'll never be good enough - or as good as LW.
The Combo GOW makes room for everyone in W's life: his children, his LWs family, and his own family. In her mind, the more people in their relationship to love, the better. She is tireless when she works to blend her family with his. She is present-grounded and future-sighted, juggling the needs and wants of all involved, yet allowing for her own needs to be met. She understands that W's children and/or former in-laws may not accept her at first beucase she truly understaands the grief process and does not blame them. In fact, she has a great deal of compassion for their grief, and lovingly steps aside to allow it to run its course, just being confident in herself until such time as they come to accept her.
The Combo GOW has an uncanny ability to anticipate W's moods, often beating him to the punch before he even has a chance to explain his grief triggers. She allows for dischord, yet believes in the power of herSELF, as well as the strength of her love for W, to get through the tough times. She is confident yet not demanding, and she is careful not to get too big-headed about her relationship because she has done the research and knows that a perfect relationship with a W is often defined as a one-day-at-a-time, "as good as it gets" kind of relationship. She is open-minded about latent grief, and is willing to go with the flow through the changes that happen to her W and the relationship.
The Combo GOW is not threatened by LW or her memory. She acknowledges W's love for LW, and is grateful to LW for helping to make W the man she loves, yet she is wise enough not to allow the past to invade the present. She knows how to draw a fair boundary line between what about the past is OK to bring into the present, and how much of it can be allowed into the future without taking anything away from herself or her relationship. She is fearlessly unafraid of talking about her needs with W, and expects his compassion and his listening ear as much as she gives the same to him.
Keep in mind that, for ALL 3 types of GOWs, there is a type of W to go along with each:
1.) The Spy GOW often has a W who wallows in self-pity, is immobile about his own grief healing, is often in denial about his grief, and, more often than not, is using the GOW to avoid doing the necessary grief work. Grief NEEDS to be selfish in order to work through it, yet the W who dates The Spy GOW's W is TOO selfish to address HER needs. He is too self-centered to see how her digging for information about LW is not a good thing. He then willingly gives her all the information she needs because he is soo happy to be able to talk about LW, yet he does so to his own disadvantage. The individuals in this couple are both users, and they eventually suck the life out of each other until the relationship dies on the vine. If they do manage to hang onto each other somehow, there is always an undercurrent of resentment on one or both of their parts. Since they suck at REAL communication, and are too selfish for cooperation and compromise, they take whatever they need from each other and feel like they've settled for less than they deserve.
2.) The Grief Enabler's widower is happy to wear the GOW's rose-coloured glasses and play along with her charade because doing so distracts him from his pain as well as his grief work. The Grief Therapist's widower takes full advantage of her selflessness. However, sooner or later, the grief he has been denying comes back with a vengeance, and instead of being honest with her and risk hurting this amazingly patient and caring woman, he either stays stuck in a grief stage until it consumes him to the point of breaking, or he simply stays with her out of pity, need, or fear, and remains grief-stricken and guilt-ridden while the relationship stands still and suffers from lack of growth.
3.) The Combo GOW's widower knows he has a good thing, but is careful not to let his own needs overshadow his GOW's needs. He is CONSTANTLY aware of his GOW's feelings and is a willing participant in honest communication about touchy subjects. If she says she is uncomfortable with LW discussions, LW pictures, or LW stuff, he is mindful to be respectful of her needs, knowing that she isn't being unreasonable. He is open-minded about her gentle suggestions for moving forward. If he disagress with her, he trusts her enough to communicate with her, knowing she will be receptive to his thoughts and willing to compromise. There isn't much they can't tackle together, and with their maturity, ease of communication, cooperative selflessness, and committment to compromise, they are the most successful pairing of GOW and W.
1.) The first type of GOW I like to call "The Spy". She sniffs around for every detail of LW's life: who she was, what she was like, what W's marriage to her was like, what did she looked like, what her personality like, what shoe size LW wore, how she was in bed, etc....ad nauseum. This kind of GOW is fishing for info in order to "size up the competition". She doesn't really want to "know" LW in order to embarce her; rather, she wants to know that she (the GOW) is somehow BETTER than LW, and is looking for comparisons where she can "best" LW. This type of GOW has probably always had trust issues, and comes across as insecure, needing to be constantly reassured of her W's love. She whines and moans constantly about feeling "second best" in W's heart because she is not secure and confident about the woman SHE is, so how can she believe W when he tries to tell her - over and over again - that he indeed loves her? This type of GOW claims W as her territory and becomes very territorial in her behaviour - and God help anyone who trespasses, including old friends and family of LW. This GOW will not and does not tolerate ANY discussion of the past. She CLAIMS it's because "the past no longer matters - we live in the present", but in reality, she is scared to death that any reminder of the past might result in her losing the man she loves, or that she just might pale in comparison.
2.) The second type of GOW is what I call "The Grief Therapist". She is waaay too understanding about W's grief episodes (AKA: "fits and starts" - where he's happily committed one day, breaking up with her the next, and back again). She can't tell the difference between normal "guy behaviour" and what constitutes normal grief behaviour, so to play it safe, she blames all his nonsense on his being a widower, thus excusing him every time he hurts her feelings. This type of GOW puts her own needs on the back burner in order to serve his grief needs, yet resents doing so very much.
There are two divisions of Grief Therapist:
~One is benevolent and truly feels that sacrificing her own needs, and not communicating them, serves "the greater good" of the relationship. She is happy to serve, and gets a great deal of self-esteem out of being the eternal martyr.
~The other will never complain, and will often stretch the truth of her relationship, sugar-coating it because she enjoys "keeping up appearances" of happiness since she rather likes being viewed as the heroine in the story of W's life. I feel for this type because she is spinning her wheels and getting nowhere fast. Her relationship is at a standstill. It can't move froward without communication of her needs, yet she's stuck and doesn't know how to get out of this pretty little grave she's dug herself into. What is pathetic about this type of GOW is that her relationship with W - and W himself - often suffers from all her selfess "grief therapy". Her benevolence often feeds W's ever-present guilt to the point of being burdensome, and when he breaks up with her because of it, she is at a loss to explain why.
3.) The third type of GOW is what I call "The Combo". She is a bit of Numbers 1 and 2, but more often than not, she is more of a realist. This type of GOW has the benefit of life experience. She is older, wiser, and has had a lifetime of perfecting other relatinships, so she brings to the table a great guidebook of life lessons she can use to navigate the waters with W.
Combo GOW wants to be patient and tries very hard to be, but she tires easily of holding onto hope when there are no guarantees that her patience will pay off for her. She is fairly good at communicating her needs, but she is easily frustrated when HIS seem so insurmountable. She trusts W's declarations of love, but sometimes, when the chips are down, she worries a bit that she'll never be good enough - or as good as LW.
The Combo GOW makes room for everyone in W's life: his children, his LWs family, and his own family. In her mind, the more people in their relationship to love, the better. She is tireless when she works to blend her family with his. She is present-grounded and future-sighted, juggling the needs and wants of all involved, yet allowing for her own needs to be met. She understands that W's children and/or former in-laws may not accept her at first beucase she truly understaands the grief process and does not blame them. In fact, she has a great deal of compassion for their grief, and lovingly steps aside to allow it to run its course, just being confident in herself until such time as they come to accept her.
The Combo GOW has an uncanny ability to anticipate W's moods, often beating him to the punch before he even has a chance to explain his grief triggers. She allows for dischord, yet believes in the power of herSELF, as well as the strength of her love for W, to get through the tough times. She is confident yet not demanding, and she is careful not to get too big-headed about her relationship because she has done the research and knows that a perfect relationship with a W is often defined as a one-day-at-a-time, "as good as it gets" kind of relationship. She is open-minded about latent grief, and is willing to go with the flow through the changes that happen to her W and the relationship.
The Combo GOW is not threatened by LW or her memory. She acknowledges W's love for LW, and is grateful to LW for helping to make W the man she loves, yet she is wise enough not to allow the past to invade the present. She knows how to draw a fair boundary line between what about the past is OK to bring into the present, and how much of it can be allowed into the future without taking anything away from herself or her relationship. She is fearlessly unafraid of talking about her needs with W, and expects his compassion and his listening ear as much as she gives the same to him.
Keep in mind that, for ALL 3 types of GOWs, there is a type of W to go along with each:
1.) The Spy GOW often has a W who wallows in self-pity, is immobile about his own grief healing, is often in denial about his grief, and, more often than not, is using the GOW to avoid doing the necessary grief work. Grief NEEDS to be selfish in order to work through it, yet the W who dates The Spy GOW's W is TOO selfish to address HER needs. He is too self-centered to see how her digging for information about LW is not a good thing. He then willingly gives her all the information she needs because he is soo happy to be able to talk about LW, yet he does so to his own disadvantage. The individuals in this couple are both users, and they eventually suck the life out of each other until the relationship dies on the vine. If they do manage to hang onto each other somehow, there is always an undercurrent of resentment on one or both of their parts. Since they suck at REAL communication, and are too selfish for cooperation and compromise, they take whatever they need from each other and feel like they've settled for less than they deserve.
2.) The Grief Enabler's widower is happy to wear the GOW's rose-coloured glasses and play along with her charade because doing so distracts him from his pain as well as his grief work. The Grief Therapist's widower takes full advantage of her selflessness. However, sooner or later, the grief he has been denying comes back with a vengeance, and instead of being honest with her and risk hurting this amazingly patient and caring woman, he either stays stuck in a grief stage until it consumes him to the point of breaking, or he simply stays with her out of pity, need, or fear, and remains grief-stricken and guilt-ridden while the relationship stands still and suffers from lack of growth.
3.) The Combo GOW's widower knows he has a good thing, but is careful not to let his own needs overshadow his GOW's needs. He is CONSTANTLY aware of his GOW's feelings and is a willing participant in honest communication about touchy subjects. If she says she is uncomfortable with LW discussions, LW pictures, or LW stuff, he is mindful to be respectful of her needs, knowing that she isn't being unreasonable. He is open-minded about her gentle suggestions for moving forward. If he disagress with her, he trusts her enough to communicate with her, knowing she will be receptive to his thoughts and willing to compromise. There isn't much they can't tackle together, and with their maturity, ease of communication, cooperative selflessness, and committment to compromise, they are the most successful pairing of GOW and W.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
When the GOW/WOW Compares Herself to the Sainted LW
I believe it's absolutely normal for a GOW/WOW to fine some kind of satisfaction, even comfort, in discovering LW's faults and flaws.
When it's W himself who offers these tidbits of truth, he is, in effect, completing a grief stage: acceptance. Where once he held LW on a pedestal of perfection, time has healed his heart to the point where he can now put LW's memory in perspective. In most cases, admitting openly that LW had flaws doesn't mean he regrets his marriage, or that LW went from angel to total b*tch overnight. It simply means that he has come to a point along his grief journey where he has processed her loss rationally instead of irrationally.
Should Ws be aware that GOWs/WOWs are bothered by hearing that W/LW marriages were happy? Not unless the GOW/WOW tells him so! And until that time, I believe Ws will tell the unvarnished truth because they consider their happy marriages to be a sign of good character. Thus, does sharing information about the happy state of his marriage to LW make him an insensitve clod? I don't believe so. Instead, it makes him an honest person with a great resume of marriage experience.
Ws who only have nice things to say about their LWs aren't always stuck in grief. They may just be the kind, gentlemen-ly type who never say a bad word about ANYone, and they prefer not to speak ill of the dead. Hubs has never said a bad thing about LW to me, except that she wasn't perfect. Fine by me, because I KNOW she wasn't perfect, and that's not based on anything negative anyone has told me. It's just that I know human beings are imperfect and there is no such thing as a Super Woman.
The danger in a GOW taking LW's admitted flaws/faults and judging LW as "bad" - just to make herself feel better - is that doing so can come back to bite her. When W has heard enough LW-knocking (even if he agress with what is being said about her faults - and even if HE was the one who confessed them), he will resent having shared such intimate secrets about her flaws in the first place - or start to feel guilty about doing so - when he knows deep inside she wasn't ALL bad, and that their marriages indeed had moments to cherish. Divorcees are often dealt this kind of judgement when others ask them, "How could you have stayed with such a monster for so long?" First of all, it makes the divorcee feel stupid, and everyone can relate to resenting a person who judges us as foolish. Secondly, every divorcee will tell you that there WERE some marital highlights, happy times, and positive affirmations within the marriage's duration (and enough good things within their exes) they will always treasure...and grieve the loss of.Thus, while it's true that some Ws had unhealthy marriages to their LWs, be forewarned that even those marriages (and the less-than-stellar LWs) will still be grieved as a loss. This kind of grief is jammed-packed full of guilt and resentment, leaving these kinds of Ws very trepidacious about committment, much less remarrying. More often than not, it is these kinds of Ws who take longer to come full circle in their recovery....and can be "the toughest nut to crack" for a GOW.
I think it's easier to make those LW comparisons when the Ws in question are being dunderheaded about letting go and moving on. It leaves a GOW wondering, "What's wrong with ME? Why am I not good enough? What makes HER rate a higher seat on his priority list than ME?" and blame her for him dragging his feet, when the important question should be, "What's wrong with HIM?!" It's easy to have ill feelings for someone who you feel is stealing your thunder. But it's not her fault that he loved her.
Ws need to be able to come to a point at the end of their bereavement recovery when they can finally let go. It is the last, and hardest, step to healing. At this final stage, the W learns to manage his grief, put the past where it belongs, and embrace the present and future. This is not to say that he stops loving LW. He won't. Most never will. There will always be a place in his heart for her. But in putting the past where it belongs, a W releases its hold on him for good.
Normal as it is to do "the superiority dance" (a la "Church Lady" from old Saturday Night Live episodes...lol) when LW's faults/flaws are laid bare, as I have stated many times, normal does not always equal productive. LW's faults/flaws are only part and parcel of the human being W loved (or once loved). She wasn't perfect, but she wasn't a total write-off, either. There was SOMEthing good about her or SOME payoff of their marriage that kept W hanging in there. It is always disasterous when human beings take an "either/or" stance on their acceptance of other human beings. No one is absolutely, 100% bad or good. We ALL have good, and we ALL have flaws.
Needing a yardstick (the LW) against which you measure your own self worth in W's heart is a true sign of a dangerously low self-esteem. Working on THAT is how you can overcome feeling like "second best".
Trying to find ways to feel superior to the LW, while initially normal for GOWs/WOWs, is unproductive to say the least. No matter how you add it up, these small victories never end up being the real reasons why W loves you for who YOU are. We need to embrace the fact that who and what we are, however similar or different from the LWs, is what truly matters.
The sad reality is, many women with insecurity issues will battle them even harder when they start dating a W.
You have to start believing that what you offer to W is what he wants and needs, to hell with what anyone else thinks, and remember that itis BECAUSE he lost a LW that he is the man for you. He has evolved, grown, and matured. The experience of losing a spouse changes a person, and he is changed....so much so that he has become the perfect fit for YOU!
Obsessing over LW, either positively or negatively, takes up waaay too much time and energy that would be better spent embracing the present and choosing to be happy despite the past. She was his perfect match back then. *I* am his perfect match now, because he is no longer the man from the past - he has changed, evolved, grown, matured, and learned that life is fragile so you gotta embrace it with GUSTO and CHOOSE to be happy in the "here and now."
The simple truth is this: He loved her. Loved = past tense. He can love the MEMORY of her, but she's not here anymore for him to love with a passion reserved for the living. He loves you. Loves = present tense. YOU are the real, living, breathing embodiment of his present feelings. He will contine to love you. Will love = future tense. One cannot build a future on memories.
So, too, must a GOW come to a final stage of acceptance. in order for the relationship to thrive, she must embrace her own autonomous significance in the W's life, and stop allowing the past to interfere with the present.....and that means: stop allowing LW, her memory, and her perceived yet illusional perfection interfere with your choice to be happy!!
Whether W and LW were blissfully happy or miserably connected, it matters little in the here and now. It is the present and future we as GOWs/WOWs need to be focussed on and concerned with, not the past. Start today to uplift your self esteem. Embrace who you are and what you mean to your W. It's real, it's permanent, and it's packed with hope for everywaking moment. Don't waste any more precious time you COULD be spending in a peaceful, fulfilling relationship by allowing the past to suffocate your self worth. If you weren't worthy, he wouldn't have chosen you. But you ARE worthy! He could have spent the remainder of his years alone with his memories, but God bless him, he had the strength, the fortitude, and the will to push himself beyond his grief to appreciate the gift of love you bring. He's awesome..YOU'RE awesome...LIFE is awesome! Enjoy it! Embrace it! Happiness is a choice....so BE happy!!
First of all, stop feeling guilty about feeling happy that LW was not perfect. It's human, and very common and normal for GOWs and WOWs to feel relieved when they hear bad things about LW. It makes HER appear more human - not the perfect angel we have been lead to believe by W, her family, their friends, or all three.
If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: what you are feeling in regard to LW comparisons is NORMAL for a GOW! Thus, I validate your normalness. However, when all is said and done, it matters NOT what other people think - it matters what W thinks, and if he perceives LW as perfect, then the bad stuff other people say isn't going to make much difference.
We cannot be satisfied to remain validated when we know deep inside that it is unproductive and gets us nowhere. DEALING with negative, non-productive, kneejerk reactions - however normal they may be - is what matures us and helps us grow as individuals, which can only help our relationships thrive. Acknowledging WHERE the insecurity that leads to the comparisons comes from is an important first step....but it's not the last.
I have battled the demons of low self-esteem my whole life. But I had a choice: I could either be satisfied with the validation of my stinky past and thus, be condemned to wallow in it unproductively.....OR....I could rise above it, learn to like myself and project that likeability onto others, and deal with my trust issues so that I wouldn't miss out on the joys of life. And missing out on those joys is exactly what I fear may happen to you if you don't start today to move beyond validation and start taking the leaps of faith - in yourself and others - so you can lead a full and happy life, free from comparisons.
When it's W himself who offers these tidbits of truth, he is, in effect, completing a grief stage: acceptance. Where once he held LW on a pedestal of perfection, time has healed his heart to the point where he can now put LW's memory in perspective. In most cases, admitting openly that LW had flaws doesn't mean he regrets his marriage, or that LW went from angel to total b*tch overnight. It simply means that he has come to a point along his grief journey where he has processed her loss rationally instead of irrationally.
Should Ws be aware that GOWs/WOWs are bothered by hearing that W/LW marriages were happy? Not unless the GOW/WOW tells him so! And until that time, I believe Ws will tell the unvarnished truth because they consider their happy marriages to be a sign of good character. Thus, does sharing information about the happy state of his marriage to LW make him an insensitve clod? I don't believe so. Instead, it makes him an honest person with a great resume of marriage experience.
Ws who only have nice things to say about their LWs aren't always stuck in grief. They may just be the kind, gentlemen-ly type who never say a bad word about ANYone, and they prefer not to speak ill of the dead. Hubs has never said a bad thing about LW to me, except that she wasn't perfect. Fine by me, because I KNOW she wasn't perfect, and that's not based on anything negative anyone has told me. It's just that I know human beings are imperfect and there is no such thing as a Super Woman.
The danger in a GOW taking LW's admitted flaws/faults and judging LW as "bad" - just to make herself feel better - is that doing so can come back to bite her. When W has heard enough LW-knocking (even if he agress with what is being said about her faults - and even if HE was the one who confessed them), he will resent having shared such intimate secrets about her flaws in the first place - or start to feel guilty about doing so - when he knows deep inside she wasn't ALL bad, and that their marriages indeed had moments to cherish. Divorcees are often dealt this kind of judgement when others ask them, "How could you have stayed with such a monster for so long?" First of all, it makes the divorcee feel stupid, and everyone can relate to resenting a person who judges us as foolish. Secondly, every divorcee will tell you that there WERE some marital highlights, happy times, and positive affirmations within the marriage's duration (and enough good things within their exes) they will always treasure...and grieve the loss of.Thus, while it's true that some Ws had unhealthy marriages to their LWs, be forewarned that even those marriages (and the less-than-stellar LWs) will still be grieved as a loss. This kind of grief is jammed-packed full of guilt and resentment, leaving these kinds of Ws very trepidacious about committment, much less remarrying. More often than not, it is these kinds of Ws who take longer to come full circle in their recovery....and can be "the toughest nut to crack" for a GOW.
I think it's easier to make those LW comparisons when the Ws in question are being dunderheaded about letting go and moving on. It leaves a GOW wondering, "What's wrong with ME? Why am I not good enough? What makes HER rate a higher seat on his priority list than ME?" and blame her for him dragging his feet, when the important question should be, "What's wrong with HIM?!" It's easy to have ill feelings for someone who you feel is stealing your thunder. But it's not her fault that he loved her.
Ws need to be able to come to a point at the end of their bereavement recovery when they can finally let go. It is the last, and hardest, step to healing. At this final stage, the W learns to manage his grief, put the past where it belongs, and embrace the present and future. This is not to say that he stops loving LW. He won't. Most never will. There will always be a place in his heart for her. But in putting the past where it belongs, a W releases its hold on him for good.
Normal as it is to do "the superiority dance" (a la "Church Lady" from old Saturday Night Live episodes...lol) when LW's faults/flaws are laid bare, as I have stated many times, normal does not always equal productive. LW's faults/flaws are only part and parcel of the human being W loved (or once loved). She wasn't perfect, but she wasn't a total write-off, either. There was SOMEthing good about her or SOME payoff of their marriage that kept W hanging in there. It is always disasterous when human beings take an "either/or" stance on their acceptance of other human beings. No one is absolutely, 100% bad or good. We ALL have good, and we ALL have flaws.
Needing a yardstick (the LW) against which you measure your own self worth in W's heart is a true sign of a dangerously low self-esteem. Working on THAT is how you can overcome feeling like "second best".
Trying to find ways to feel superior to the LW, while initially normal for GOWs/WOWs, is unproductive to say the least. No matter how you add it up, these small victories never end up being the real reasons why W loves you for who YOU are. We need to embrace the fact that who and what we are, however similar or different from the LWs, is what truly matters.
The sad reality is, many women with insecurity issues will battle them even harder when they start dating a W.
You have to start believing that what you offer to W is what he wants and needs, to hell with what anyone else thinks, and remember that itis BECAUSE he lost a LW that he is the man for you. He has evolved, grown, and matured. The experience of losing a spouse changes a person, and he is changed....so much so that he has become the perfect fit for YOU!
Obsessing over LW, either positively or negatively, takes up waaay too much time and energy that would be better spent embracing the present and choosing to be happy despite the past. She was his perfect match back then. *I* am his perfect match now, because he is no longer the man from the past - he has changed, evolved, grown, matured, and learned that life is fragile so you gotta embrace it with GUSTO and CHOOSE to be happy in the "here and now."
The simple truth is this: He loved her. Loved = past tense. He can love the MEMORY of her, but she's not here anymore for him to love with a passion reserved for the living. He loves you. Loves = present tense. YOU are the real, living, breathing embodiment of his present feelings. He will contine to love you. Will love = future tense. One cannot build a future on memories.
So, too, must a GOW come to a final stage of acceptance. in order for the relationship to thrive, she must embrace her own autonomous significance in the W's life, and stop allowing the past to interfere with the present.....and that means: stop allowing LW, her memory, and her perceived yet illusional perfection interfere with your choice to be happy!!
Whether W and LW were blissfully happy or miserably connected, it matters little in the here and now. It is the present and future we as GOWs/WOWs need to be focussed on and concerned with, not the past. Start today to uplift your self esteem. Embrace who you are and what you mean to your W. It's real, it's permanent, and it's packed with hope for everywaking moment. Don't waste any more precious time you COULD be spending in a peaceful, fulfilling relationship by allowing the past to suffocate your self worth. If you weren't worthy, he wouldn't have chosen you. But you ARE worthy! He could have spent the remainder of his years alone with his memories, but God bless him, he had the strength, the fortitude, and the will to push himself beyond his grief to appreciate the gift of love you bring. He's awesome..YOU'RE awesome...LIFE is awesome! Enjoy it! Embrace it! Happiness is a choice....so BE happy!!
First of all, stop feeling guilty about feeling happy that LW was not perfect. It's human, and very common and normal for GOWs and WOWs to feel relieved when they hear bad things about LW. It makes HER appear more human - not the perfect angel we have been lead to believe by W, her family, their friends, or all three.
If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: what you are feeling in regard to LW comparisons is NORMAL for a GOW! Thus, I validate your normalness. However, when all is said and done, it matters NOT what other people think - it matters what W thinks, and if he perceives LW as perfect, then the bad stuff other people say isn't going to make much difference.
We cannot be satisfied to remain validated when we know deep inside that it is unproductive and gets us nowhere. DEALING with negative, non-productive, kneejerk reactions - however normal they may be - is what matures us and helps us grow as individuals, which can only help our relationships thrive. Acknowledging WHERE the insecurity that leads to the comparisons comes from is an important first step....but it's not the last.
I have battled the demons of low self-esteem my whole life. But I had a choice: I could either be satisfied with the validation of my stinky past and thus, be condemned to wallow in it unproductively.....OR....I could rise above it, learn to like myself and project that likeability onto others, and deal with my trust issues so that I wouldn't miss out on the joys of life. And missing out on those joys is exactly what I fear may happen to you if you don't start today to move beyond validation and start taking the leaps of faith - in yourself and others - so you can lead a full and happy life, free from comparisons.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Those "Other" WOW/GOW Sites and So-Called "Experts"
Recently, I received an e-mail from a GOW who was totally disturbed by the lack of support and encouragement she received when she posted her GOW issue on a different kind of WOW/GOW site (not my site). In her words: "One blog owner advised that if my W were really over his LW and ready to move on with life, then he should have no problem with my issue. Another one told me to just get over it as I had him now and she was dead."
How truly sad, misinformed, and misguided these other so-called "experts" are.
There is a reason why I call my forum “The Official WOW/GOW Message Board” (and yes, it’s copyrighted!): because there is not another one like it in cyberspace! No other board is run by a GOW/WOW who has not only had a book published on the subject, but has had over a decade of grief counselling and bereavement recovery experience. Not to boast, but I bring to my board both personal AND professional experience. That being said, the “other” boards/blogs/forums really irritate me because they tend to be non-productive, non-supportive, and definitely short sighted and lacking in real expertise.
One such forum that really burns me up is run by a widower who thinks he can counsel GOWs and WOWs just because he remarried and wrote a book about it! Puh-lease…give me strength! Most of the time, when a GOW or WOW posts her issues to his blog, he minimizes her feelings and just tells her to shove off, get away from W, dump him, and move on. But when a GOW or WOW has invested much of herself, her love, her hopes, her dreams, and yes, her life to the relationship, these harsh words do mor eharm than good...and it's time to set the record straight.
Lest anyone think I am posting this blog because I am competitive, jealous, or feel threatened by the aforementioned "other" forums, let me state for the record the following: I have NEVER tried to steer my board members away from something besides me and/or my book if I thought it'd be helpful to them. In fact, I would search (and have searched) heaven and earth for ANY good literature for them IF I thought it would help them. And if I thought for one minute that these other forums were truly beneficial, I would post the web address for all to see and visit.
However, I am of the opinion that those who have never walked in GOW or WOW shoes have no business advising those who do. It'd be like a man advising a woman about childbirth: sure, he might know the mechancics, the medical facts, and process from start to finish. But he would NEVER be able to advise her as to how it FEELS, emotionally speaking, to birth a child and/or be a mother because, simply put, he is not a woman, and thus, has never personally experienced birth!
Therefore, ladies, be careful "out there" in cyberspace. Thanks to POD publishing technology, ANYONE can write a book....but that doesn't always mean they have the experience or expertise to back it up. Do yourselves a favour and think twice before "nodding and smiling" for any cyberspace "expert" who lacks the credentials and experience necessary to validate you as you journey along as a GOW/WOW. Anyone can throw together a website these days and claim to be an "expert", so don;t be intimidated! Do your research and ask questions before baring your soul to someone who has never worn your moccasins, lest you find yourselves mislead or, worse, discouraged.
How truly sad, misinformed, and misguided these other so-called "experts" are.
There is a reason why I call my forum “The Official WOW/GOW Message Board” (and yes, it’s copyrighted!): because there is not another one like it in cyberspace! No other board is run by a GOW/WOW who has not only had a book published on the subject, but has had over a decade of grief counselling and bereavement recovery experience. Not to boast, but I bring to my board both personal AND professional experience. That being said, the “other” boards/blogs/forums really irritate me because they tend to be non-productive, non-supportive, and definitely short sighted and lacking in real expertise.
One such forum that really burns me up is run by a widower who thinks he can counsel GOWs and WOWs just because he remarried and wrote a book about it! Puh-lease…give me strength! Most of the time, when a GOW or WOW posts her issues to his blog, he minimizes her feelings and just tells her to shove off, get away from W, dump him, and move on. But when a GOW or WOW has invested much of herself, her love, her hopes, her dreams, and yes, her life to the relationship, these harsh words do mor eharm than good...and it's time to set the record straight.
Lest anyone think I am posting this blog because I am competitive, jealous, or feel threatened by the aforementioned "other" forums, let me state for the record the following: I have NEVER tried to steer my board members away from something besides me and/or my book if I thought it'd be helpful to them. In fact, I would search (and have searched) heaven and earth for ANY good literature for them IF I thought it would help them. And if I thought for one minute that these other forums were truly beneficial, I would post the web address for all to see and visit.
However, I am of the opinion that those who have never walked in GOW or WOW shoes have no business advising those who do. It'd be like a man advising a woman about childbirth: sure, he might know the mechancics, the medical facts, and process from start to finish. But he would NEVER be able to advise her as to how it FEELS, emotionally speaking, to birth a child and/or be a mother because, simply put, he is not a woman, and thus, has never personally experienced birth!
Therefore, ladies, be careful "out there" in cyberspace. Thanks to POD publishing technology, ANYONE can write a book....but that doesn't always mean they have the experience or expertise to back it up. Do yourselves a favour and think twice before "nodding and smiling" for any cyberspace "expert" who lacks the credentials and experience necessary to validate you as you journey along as a GOW/WOW. Anyone can throw together a website these days and claim to be an "expert", so don;t be intimidated! Do your research and ask questions before baring your soul to someone who has never worn your moccasins, lest you find yourselves mislead or, worse, discouraged.
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