GOWs walk a fine line between getting their issues addressed and not wanting to burden their poor grief-weary Ws. On one hand, you want to be compassionate, respectful, and caring. On the other hand, doing so means your GOW needs take a back burner, and you start to wonder where YOU fit in with all this grief. Then you begin to lose patience, which breeds resentment, which stunts a relationship's growth...not a healthy path for ANY relationship, but an absolute "couple killer" for GOW/W relationships!
Tiptoeing around W's grief, though compassionate, is never really a good idea. But neither is ignoring his grief, wishing it away, and/or pretending like it doesn't exist, all in the name of pushing him towards recovery faster than he needs to go, or just so you can get your needs met.
The balance you need to achieve can be accomplished by following these steps:
1.) Never assume...Communicate!!
Dating is a "getting to know you" time in every relationship. Having been with your W for awhile, you start to become very adept at recognizing your partner's moods. But which moods are grief-related, and which moods are simply the ordinary, run-of-the-mill blues we all experience from time to time? We can almost pinpoint when a W bad mood is grief-related if an LW-related anniversary is near...but what about those times when he is quiet and pensive, mopey, or just down in the dumps? Can we assume ALL of his bad moods have something to do with grief?
Of course not! Ws are human, after all, and ALL humans have bad days. Drawing "Grumpy" out is key to getting him to communicate about his negative moods. There's no beating around the bush allowed when dealing with a W! - you have to use direct language, but in a compassionate, gentle way: "Dear, you seem very down lately, and while I know you struggle with your grief feelings, I'm wondering if your mood isn't based on something that has [i]recently[/i] happened. Either way, I'd like to talk to you about it because I care, and I hope you wil trust me with whatever your reasons for being so depressed/quiet/grumpy.ansious/etc."
2.) Acknowledge - and accept - his pain, but don't "sacrifice in the name of love" unless you are prepared to focus ALL of your relationship's time and energies on grief alone!
While noble in its compassion, putting your needs aside to devote 100% of your energies on W's grief is never a good idea. Many GOWs believe that "Since W is already hurting an dealing with sooo much, why should I dump my GOW issues and everyday life problems on top of his already burdensome pile?" The answer is simple: because YOU matter! YOU are 50% of your relationship, and as such, you are an intregral part of its growth. That being the case, let me ask you: How much growth will there really be if you continue to withhold your feelings/issues to tend to his, all the while suffering in silence and breeding resentment and impatience slowly? Thus, putting your needs on the back burner isn't so noble after all...it's downright destructive, both to your relationship and to yourself.
However, timing is everything. I know that when my husband comes home upset about something that went wrong at work, that is NOT the time for me to complain about our high electric bill. The same discernment is required of a GOW when W is in a grief-related bad mood. Therefore, choose your discussion times wisely, and approach them in a spirit of cooperation. Acknoweldge his pain when he seems to be hurting...but when you are hurting with GOW issues, the same rules apply. All in love is fair...so allow him to be YOUR support when needed, too. When you seek to withhold your issues "for the good of the relationship", you effectively deny your W the immense pleasure he derives from reassuring you. Stop being so selfish in your nobility! ;)
3.) Communication kills The Insecurity Monster...so itemize your needs and deal them out, one at a time.
Without proper communication, we assume waaay too much negativity. Humans are funny beings, and GOWs are stranger still: instead of assuming the simplistic reasons behind a W's quiet mood - that perhaps he is silent simply because he's just got gas (lol) - we negatively assume that he MUST be thinking about ending our relationship...or he's thinking that he couldn't possibly love me as much as he loved LW...or he's thinking I'm fat...or...or..or...etc....etc...ARRRGH!! All that insecurity makes you feel like you're losing your mind, doesn't it?
The GOW list of insecurities can be quite a long one, so the problem becomes dealing with one at a time instead of the whole kit & kaboodle at once. Itemizing your list of GOW issues in order of importance to you, then communicating them to your W, effectively kills The Insecurity Monster...and when the beast is dead, you acquire newfound strength for your GOW journey, add groweth potential to your relationship, and become more of a positive influence and support to your W when his own journey becomes problematic.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
For GOWs Who Are Discouraged
It's sooo difficult to be in the "limbo" of GOWdom. Eventually, we all come to a crossroads and wonder if we should stay and fight, or chalk it up to experience and leave before another shoe drops.
As a GOW, you wonder, "Is it worth it? Is HE worth it?" You worry about investing any more time and effort into a relationship that seems so unbalanced and one-sided. You feel unloved and unworthy. You think to yourself "Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?" as you cling to whatever shred of hope you can find. No one understands you - least of all, the W himself - and you feel so alone, frustrated, and insecure. You start wondering if what you feel is selfish or simply unappreciated, and the frustration of that leads to anger. You are angry about putting your needs on hold to pacify his. You are afraid of communicating your needs for fear of sounding demanding or selfish. You are angry at grief itself and its stranglehold over your W. You secretly rage at this beast - The Grief Monster - for occupying more of his time, emotions, and thoughts than you do. You fear for your future security, and wonder if he will ever learn to manage his grief, let go of his past, and move on...yet you worry that the damage he may survive will always be a part of him, creeping into your future life together without warning. You question whether or not you have what it takes to be a helpmate, support system, and sympathetic counsellor...yet a part of you wants nothing to do with babysitting grief until it - and he - matures beyond bereavement.
The roller coaster ride of GOWdom is like being bipolar: the highs are manically sweet and intoxicating, and the lows are destructively negative, wreaking havoc on your self-esteem and your need for security. Most times, you feel like two people at once: the angel on your shoulder whispering softly into your ear about love and hope, and the devil on the other shoulder nagging at your fears and urging you to be self-righteous. The inner boxing match you suffer daily is fueled by impatience -an overwhelming need to do whatever necessary to shake W out of his abysmal situation so the two of you can just get on with life. You constantly question how W cannot see the forest for the trees - how he can't seem to appreciate the wonder and beauty of the love you bring to him, and start basing his hope, and his future, on you.
Ladies, I understand how you feel. I have been in your shoes. I may not be that someone to give you the right answers, but I can most certainly offer the wisdom of my personal experience and that of working with Ws for more than a decade. The simple fact is: there ARE no "right" answers, since each relationship is unique and different as the people in them. You have to take whatever advice, illustrations, or examples you find here on this blog, in my book, or on the Official WOW/GOW Message Board on my website, and tweak them to suit your unique siuation.
But most of all, you have to hope. Without hope, you have nothing...no reason to be happy in the moment, to practise patience, to give your best, or to rise above your fears and work through them. Sometimes, hope is a leap of faith...a blind jump into the unknown, with only your belief in yourself, your W, and your God to get you to the other side. I can shout it from the mountaintop that "YES, your W WILL be capable of sooo much more if only you just hang on"...but I can't MAKE you believe that - that is up to you. I can tell you with 100% certainty that hope is always worth the ride. With love, nothing is impossible...you can climb mountains. And hope is the harness to keep you from falling.
As a GOW, you wonder, "Is it worth it? Is HE worth it?" You worry about investing any more time and effort into a relationship that seems so unbalanced and one-sided. You feel unloved and unworthy. You think to yourself "Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?" as you cling to whatever shred of hope you can find. No one understands you - least of all, the W himself - and you feel so alone, frustrated, and insecure. You start wondering if what you feel is selfish or simply unappreciated, and the frustration of that leads to anger. You are angry about putting your needs on hold to pacify his. You are afraid of communicating your needs for fear of sounding demanding or selfish. You are angry at grief itself and its stranglehold over your W. You secretly rage at this beast - The Grief Monster - for occupying more of his time, emotions, and thoughts than you do. You fear for your future security, and wonder if he will ever learn to manage his grief, let go of his past, and move on...yet you worry that the damage he may survive will always be a part of him, creeping into your future life together without warning. You question whether or not you have what it takes to be a helpmate, support system, and sympathetic counsellor...yet a part of you wants nothing to do with babysitting grief until it - and he - matures beyond bereavement.
The roller coaster ride of GOWdom is like being bipolar: the highs are manically sweet and intoxicating, and the lows are destructively negative, wreaking havoc on your self-esteem and your need for security. Most times, you feel like two people at once: the angel on your shoulder whispering softly into your ear about love and hope, and the devil on the other shoulder nagging at your fears and urging you to be self-righteous. The inner boxing match you suffer daily is fueled by impatience -an overwhelming need to do whatever necessary to shake W out of his abysmal situation so the two of you can just get on with life. You constantly question how W cannot see the forest for the trees - how he can't seem to appreciate the wonder and beauty of the love you bring to him, and start basing his hope, and his future, on you.
Ladies, I understand how you feel. I have been in your shoes. I may not be that someone to give you the right answers, but I can most certainly offer the wisdom of my personal experience and that of working with Ws for more than a decade. The simple fact is: there ARE no "right" answers, since each relationship is unique and different as the people in them. You have to take whatever advice, illustrations, or examples you find here on this blog, in my book, or on the Official WOW/GOW Message Board on my website, and tweak them to suit your unique siuation.
But most of all, you have to hope. Without hope, you have nothing...no reason to be happy in the moment, to practise patience, to give your best, or to rise above your fears and work through them. Sometimes, hope is a leap of faith...a blind jump into the unknown, with only your belief in yourself, your W, and your God to get you to the other side. I can shout it from the mountaintop that "YES, your W WILL be capable of sooo much more if only you just hang on"...but I can't MAKE you believe that - that is up to you. I can tell you with 100% certainty that hope is always worth the ride. With love, nothing is impossible...you can climb mountains. And hope is the harness to keep you from falling.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
For GOWs Who Date An "Early Grief" Widower
The 5 stages of grief are necessary to complete before a survivor learns how to manage it and can thus be considered recovered. That is why the first year or two of grief is the most crucial. When a W begins dating while he is still walking the stages of grief (referred to as an "early grief" widower), the temporary feeling of euphoria that comes with new love takes his mind off the hard work grief entails and delays the necessary work required for healing. But grief is like an insolent child - it WILL have its way, bar nothing. Thus, the giddy emotions of new love eventually collide with the insolence of grief when grief plays "catch up" and forces the survivor to get back on the road to recovery. This is when a W takes two steps forward, one step back, limping along his grief journey and confusing the new love of his life as he attempts to complete his grief work while also trying to balance that with new love....a verrrrry difficult and confusing thing for any survivor, and equally as confusing to his new love (you).
When unresolved/delayed grief collides with new love, the W can suddenly turn into someone you don't recognize. His moods change, and he often breaks off the relationship without warning and without explanation. During this time, Ws often battle guilt, depression, and anger all at once. He feels guilty for being alive while his LW is dead. That guilt also includes feeling as if he is betraying his LW by loving again. Oddly enough, though he wants his family/friends to accept the GOW, he wonders why they have "forgotten" LW by doing so! He wonders if he will ever "get over" his depression, which makes him sink deeper into it. He no longer feels worthy of the wonderful love the GOW brings, so he begins to withdraw from her. He is looking for someone to blame for his overwhelming feelings of grief...and sadly, it is the GOW who takes the brunt of it.
The good news is that these episodes of "fits and starts" in early grief widowers are usually temporary...but can vary in length. Every W handles grief in his own way and in his own time, and certain W behaviours are normal and common to each stage of grief. Thus, there IS a light at the end of this tunnel, but it could be a looong time before you see it. It should reassure you that the emotions W is experiencing are very common...and quite normal....for most early grief Ws.
If you believe your W did not properly grieve before he met you, and is only recently attempting to get back on track with his grief, try to be patient. Though these episodes apepar to come out of nowhere, there are usually signs: Holidays and death anniversaries are common grief triggers. The magnitude of what he is feeling is just as confounding to him as it is to you.
The best thing you and W can do from this point forward is to really learn how to communicate effectively...and often. Although I caution GOWs NOT to play the grief counsellor, there are things you CAN do to bring grief to the surface. It is healthy for a W to walk every grief stage completely, so the last thing you want to do is to stand between he and his grief work. It is beneficial and cathartic for W to be able to talk about his feelings. If this is not something you think you can handle - and it would be OK if you didn't - then I recommend urging W to attend Bereavement Recovery classes, or seek counselling wit a qualified grief therapist. These are wonderful people who recognize what W is experiencing and can give him the tools for recovery.
Meantime, try not to take his behaviour personally. I know this sounds odd since you probably feel like the target of his angst, but please understand that a lot of his feelings are subconscious in nature (he can't help it) and perfectly normal for every W. There are many books on grief that you may want to read, as recognizing the stages will put your mind at ease quite a bit. Just remember that this is part & parcel of Loving A Widower….
When unresolved/delayed grief collides with new love, the W can suddenly turn into someone you don't recognize. His moods change, and he often breaks off the relationship without warning and without explanation. During this time, Ws often battle guilt, depression, and anger all at once. He feels guilty for being alive while his LW is dead. That guilt also includes feeling as if he is betraying his LW by loving again. Oddly enough, though he wants his family/friends to accept the GOW, he wonders why they have "forgotten" LW by doing so! He wonders if he will ever "get over" his depression, which makes him sink deeper into it. He no longer feels worthy of the wonderful love the GOW brings, so he begins to withdraw from her. He is looking for someone to blame for his overwhelming feelings of grief...and sadly, it is the GOW who takes the brunt of it.
The good news is that these episodes of "fits and starts" in early grief widowers are usually temporary...but can vary in length. Every W handles grief in his own way and in his own time, and certain W behaviours are normal and common to each stage of grief. Thus, there IS a light at the end of this tunnel, but it could be a looong time before you see it. It should reassure you that the emotions W is experiencing are very common...and quite normal....for most early grief Ws.
If you believe your W did not properly grieve before he met you, and is only recently attempting to get back on track with his grief, try to be patient. Though these episodes apepar to come out of nowhere, there are usually signs: Holidays and death anniversaries are common grief triggers. The magnitude of what he is feeling is just as confounding to him as it is to you.
The best thing you and W can do from this point forward is to really learn how to communicate effectively...and often. Although I caution GOWs NOT to play the grief counsellor, there are things you CAN do to bring grief to the surface. It is healthy for a W to walk every grief stage completely, so the last thing you want to do is to stand between he and his grief work. It is beneficial and cathartic for W to be able to talk about his feelings. If this is not something you think you can handle - and it would be OK if you didn't - then I recommend urging W to attend Bereavement Recovery classes, or seek counselling wit a qualified grief therapist. These are wonderful people who recognize what W is experiencing and can give him the tools for recovery.
Meantime, try not to take his behaviour personally. I know this sounds odd since you probably feel like the target of his angst, but please understand that a lot of his feelings are subconscious in nature (he can't help it) and perfectly normal for every W. There are many books on grief that you may want to read, as recognizing the stages will put your mind at ease quite a bit. Just remember that this is part & parcel of Loving A Widower….
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The GOW Sacrifice
Many GOWs wonder if, by tending to his own grief needs, W is ignoring or being insensitive to her GOW needs. As a former GOW myself, I can validate how loving a W sometimes feels like an either/or proposition: either his needs are being met while the GOW's are being put on the back burner, or the GOW's issues are getting the attention they deserve while the W temporarily halts his grief process. There just doesn't seem to be much "wiggle room" for compromise when it comes to such demanding and complicated emotional needs on both sides.
Thus, it might seem like you, as a GOW, are usually the one in your relationship making all the sacrifices in the name of being compassionate to W's grief, but there is a good reason for this: you cannot control a W's grief process. It is much stronger than you are. This is why I caution all GOWs against insisting on having things go their way. Communication and compromise are key to accomodating W's grief while, at the same time, getting your needs met, too. It IS possible, but it takes a LOT of strength, trust, and belief in each other. Unfortunately, grief needs are very selfish needs. But tending to grief needs, selfish or not, is necessary in order for the survivor to properly heal.
Grief is a HUGE job. Think of W as grief's employee: the boss (grief) gives W a HUGE pile of work to do, but no deadline. W feels overwhelmed, but knows he must do the work or lose his job and thus, his suvival. He begins the immense task when suddenly, he is tempted away from the job by a sexy new co-worker (you!) who offers him respite from the tiring work. He still plugs away slowly at the work, but by spending more of his work time with the co-worker, he becomes a slacker who starts pissing off the boss.
The boss finally has a chat with him, telling him he must get his head back in the game and go back to where he left off with more enthusiasm if he is to get it done properly. The boss reminds him that he cannot serve two masters, and that he (the boss/grief) is the only master who holds the key to W's survival.
Meantime, the co-worker is making more and more demands of him that are opposite than those of the boss's. She wants him to please HER, and to him, what she offers feels sooo much better than the work. So, he is torn and confused: he wants to do what feels good, but he knows he must get the job done and done well if he is to keep his job/survive. At this point, he believes what the boss said about serving two masters, and realizes that a choice has to be made. He has no idea how to please the boss and the co-worker at the same time. Thus, making a choice means someone will get hurt, and since his job/survival is more important than his co-worker (the selfishness of grief), he goes back to the part of his work where he left off, and hopes the co-worker will understand and be patient until he finishes.
But the co-worker does not like being put off, even temporarily, so she starts making even more demands of him in order to take control away from the boss. This irks the employee to the point where he starts rebelling against the co-worker. He stops going to lunch with her, calling her and sending e-mails to her on company time, and simply puts his nose the grindstone whether she likes it or not. He can't help it...the workload is enormous and it takes everything he's got to concentrate in order to get through it all.
The co-worker then has two choices: she can either kep things friendly and encourage him to do the work while she patiently awaits her pay-off...or...she can keep insisting on her agenda, driving him further away, and making him even more resentful, perhaps to the point where he tells her that he cannot possibly juggle the work and her at the same time, and she loses him altogether.
Life is about choices, and GOWs who act wisely and out of compassion know that their patience will indeed pay off in the end when her W's grief journey becomes more manageable. The rainbow at the end of the storm is a reward for persevering through the dark times, and this is especially true when you are Loving A Widower....
Blessings,
JDA
Thus, it might seem like you, as a GOW, are usually the one in your relationship making all the sacrifices in the name of being compassionate to W's grief, but there is a good reason for this: you cannot control a W's grief process. It is much stronger than you are. This is why I caution all GOWs against insisting on having things go their way. Communication and compromise are key to accomodating W's grief while, at the same time, getting your needs met, too. It IS possible, but it takes a LOT of strength, trust, and belief in each other. Unfortunately, grief needs are very selfish needs. But tending to grief needs, selfish or not, is necessary in order for the survivor to properly heal.
Grief is a HUGE job. Think of W as grief's employee: the boss (grief) gives W a HUGE pile of work to do, but no deadline. W feels overwhelmed, but knows he must do the work or lose his job and thus, his suvival. He begins the immense task when suddenly, he is tempted away from the job by a sexy new co-worker (you!) who offers him respite from the tiring work. He still plugs away slowly at the work, but by spending more of his work time with the co-worker, he becomes a slacker who starts pissing off the boss.
The boss finally has a chat with him, telling him he must get his head back in the game and go back to where he left off with more enthusiasm if he is to get it done properly. The boss reminds him that he cannot serve two masters, and that he (the boss/grief) is the only master who holds the key to W's survival.
Meantime, the co-worker is making more and more demands of him that are opposite than those of the boss's. She wants him to please HER, and to him, what she offers feels sooo much better than the work. So, he is torn and confused: he wants to do what feels good, but he knows he must get the job done and done well if he is to keep his job/survive. At this point, he believes what the boss said about serving two masters, and realizes that a choice has to be made. He has no idea how to please the boss and the co-worker at the same time. Thus, making a choice means someone will get hurt, and since his job/survival is more important than his co-worker (the selfishness of grief), he goes back to the part of his work where he left off, and hopes the co-worker will understand and be patient until he finishes.
But the co-worker does not like being put off, even temporarily, so she starts making even more demands of him in order to take control away from the boss. This irks the employee to the point where he starts rebelling against the co-worker. He stops going to lunch with her, calling her and sending e-mails to her on company time, and simply puts his nose the grindstone whether she likes it or not. He can't help it...the workload is enormous and it takes everything he's got to concentrate in order to get through it all.
The co-worker then has two choices: she can either kep things friendly and encourage him to do the work while she patiently awaits her pay-off...or...she can keep insisting on her agenda, driving him further away, and making him even more resentful, perhaps to the point where he tells her that he cannot possibly juggle the work and her at the same time, and she loses him altogether.
Life is about choices, and GOWs who act wisely and out of compassion know that their patience will indeed pay off in the end when her W's grief journey becomes more manageable. The rainbow at the end of the storm is a reward for persevering through the dark times, and this is especially true when you are Loving A Widower....
Blessings,
JDA
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Deck The Halls....With LW Memories??
As the holidays approach, many GOWs and WOWs will deal with a W who is determined to incorporate LW's memory into the season. He may wish to do this in many different ways: candlelight memorials, grave visits, and/or dinners with LW's family. He may also wish to hang LW's or "their" ornaments on the GOW/W or WOW/W Christmas tree.
So how sensitive should a GOW/WOW be to W's need to memorialize his LW at Christmastime?
The following is my reply to a sensitive yet infuriated WOW from The Official WOW/GOW Message Board , who wrote that her W/husband has decorated an "LW Tree" every year since her death, and continues to do so into their marriage:
"I believe there is a HUGE difference between a W who considers LW items as just "things" and their meaning is insignificant, and Ws who attach meaning and memorials to every item their LWs ever owned. The former has let go of the past, and the latter hasn't. There is a HUGE difference between "moving on" and "letting go". Every W moves on - it is the act of returning to some kind of daily routine post-LW. But not every W has let go, which is the acceptance of LW's passing and an embracing of the present and future.
I hate to say this, but your W's behaviour concerns me. He continues to memorialize his LW in a very significant way, which means he has not yet let go, nor has he completed his bereavement recovery since the last stage of grief is "acceptance". Had this year been the first time he wanted to decorate a memorial tree, I would say it was a clear case of latent grief....but you said he has done this every year that LW has been gone, which leads me to believe he did this tree even before you met and then just carried on the tradition into your marriage. And by remaining supportive of this, you have subconsciously enabled him to remain stuck in the final and most critical grief stage.
When you say that you have been "sensitive" to this yet also infuriated, it sounds to me that you have never adequately communicated your feelings, and therefore, resentment has set in. I think it's time for you to speak up. Believe me, you are not doing him any favours by being the sacrificial martyr of your feelings, as I am sure your resentment is putting up a wall between you and him, and is also robbing you (and by proxy, him too) of the joy of the holiday.
You have a right to be heard on this issue. Don't go through another holiday without telling your W how his LW Tree makes you feel. In using The Three C's - communication, cooperation, and compromise - you can begin a line of communication based on honesty and trust. (I refer you to my blog at www.juliedonnerandersen.blogspot.com for more about The Three C's and other articles pertaining to the difference between moving on and letting go).
The marriage of WOW and W signifies a release of the past and an embracing of the present and future. Every holiday shared together shoul dbe a reflection of ONLY you and he and the life you two share. Honestly, I don't think there is any room for LW in a WOW/W holiday, unless the WOW is 100% certain her husband has let go, and is only asking for memorial ornaments to be hung for the sake of the children he and LW had together."
So how sensitive should a GOW/WOW be to W's need to memorialize his LW at Christmastime?
The following is my reply to a sensitive yet infuriated WOW from The Official WOW/GOW Message Board , who wrote that her W/husband has decorated an "LW Tree" every year since her death, and continues to do so into their marriage:
"I believe there is a HUGE difference between a W who considers LW items as just "things" and their meaning is insignificant, and Ws who attach meaning and memorials to every item their LWs ever owned. The former has let go of the past, and the latter hasn't. There is a HUGE difference between "moving on" and "letting go". Every W moves on - it is the act of returning to some kind of daily routine post-LW. But not every W has let go, which is the acceptance of LW's passing and an embracing of the present and future.
I hate to say this, but your W's behaviour concerns me. He continues to memorialize his LW in a very significant way, which means he has not yet let go, nor has he completed his bereavement recovery since the last stage of grief is "acceptance". Had this year been the first time he wanted to decorate a memorial tree, I would say it was a clear case of latent grief....but you said he has done this every year that LW has been gone, which leads me to believe he did this tree even before you met and then just carried on the tradition into your marriage. And by remaining supportive of this, you have subconsciously enabled him to remain stuck in the final and most critical grief stage.
When you say that you have been "sensitive" to this yet also infuriated, it sounds to me that you have never adequately communicated your feelings, and therefore, resentment has set in. I think it's time for you to speak up. Believe me, you are not doing him any favours by being the sacrificial martyr of your feelings, as I am sure your resentment is putting up a wall between you and him, and is also robbing you (and by proxy, him too) of the joy of the holiday.
You have a right to be heard on this issue. Don't go through another holiday without telling your W how his LW Tree makes you feel. In using The Three C's - communication, cooperation, and compromise - you can begin a line of communication based on honesty and trust. (I refer you to my blog at www.juliedonnerandersen.blogspot.com for more about The Three C's and other articles pertaining to the difference between moving on and letting go).
The marriage of WOW and W signifies a release of the past and an embracing of the present and future. Every holiday shared together shoul dbe a reflection of ONLY you and he and the life you two share. Honestly, I don't think there is any room for LW in a WOW/W holiday, unless the WOW is 100% certain her husband has let go, and is only asking for memorial ornaments to be hung for the sake of the children he and LW had together."
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Does Your Widower Say "I Love You"...or Not?
Men do not give their hearts away easily, do they?!grrr....! Yet when they do, it is like the BEST gift of all. How long do you suppose it takes to determine if you love someone? Seems like we ladies fall in love rather easily. We say "I love you" to our best friends, our parents, and even minor players in our lives like soccer coaches and teachers...lol! It's so easy for us! On the other hand, men tend to take their time. I suppose the difference is that women FEEL their way, hearts first, while men tend to work out their emotions with their brains first. They don't want to risk anything until they are sure they can handle what comes after the "I love you". Feelings can be uncomfortable for some men, even embarrassing. I guess it's how some of them are raised to be tough and strong, and NOT to show emotion. But Lord love a man who finally gets in touch with his feminine side!
So who's right? Is it better to wait until you are 100% sure you love someone before blurting out the words, or is it better to just let your heart do the talking? Hmmm....'tis a quandry the world may never know. One thing's for sure: those who are waiting for their men to take the "I Love You" leap of faith must first determine if the man is worth the wait. Those whose impatience gets the best of them risk pushing their men into an ultimatum they may not be ready to face.
It's so hard to wait for something we really want. (Just ask my 9 yr. old, whose Christmas list just keeps getting longer. lol) Things that come too easily are not as deeply appreciated. Remember, if a man said "I love you" TOO easily, we would be suspisious of that, too! I confes that I said the words first, too. But in my case, I got the same back in return, so I can't relate to those who pine for the day when they hear those precious words. I'm not sure I could be as patient as some of you who wait. You have my admiration!
I truly believe that a mature man (not only in age but life experience, as well as inner maturity) doesn't say ILY unless or until he can back up his mouth with actions. Saying ILY is not something a mature man takes lightly. He knows the significance not only of the words themselves, but everything behind them, i.e., commitment. Commitment is a BIG thing for most men. They know it is life-changing, as it changes the dynamics of a relationship from casual to deeply involved. It means planning a future, respecting his love's needs and views, and sharing his heart and soul, faults and all. It means accepting what he cannot change, and having the courage to face whatever may come. It is risky because most mature men enjoy control, yet since they cannot see the future, it's like a leap off a bridge for them....a leap of faith.
Most mature men will not say ILY just because they know their love wants to hear those words. Being that commitment is attached to uttering those words, he thinks looong and hard before saying them, for all the reasons heretofore mentioned.Now...add the fact that said man is a widower, and saying ILY takes on a whole different realm of significance: It means setting the past in its proper place, once and for all. It is a casting-off of all things formerly familiar, and accepting that something new (yet still wonderful!) is about to happen. It means overcoming all the guilt feelings that normally and usually accompany loving again after loss. It means overcoming any fear of losing someone else (you!) to death once again. It means working out the delicate dance of loving the LW AND a new love at the same time. It means giving up his comfort zone of post-grief that he has worked so hard to achieve for himself by making room for new love and the new life that comes with her. It means juggling the emotions and attitudes of friends and family who knew and loved the LW. But most of all, saying ILY means he is ready...to commit, to live again, and to love again with his whole, healed heart.
Some men are reluctant to say the words until they are confident that they will hear them in return. Women are like that, too! But because men are not really good at expressing themselves emotionally BEFORE those three little words are uttered, women tend to have the harder job of saying it first because they don't have much "prior knowledge" to feed their confidence about hearing it back. In that respect, men would be wise to at least allude to the fact that they are in love, that the women he love sis #1 in his heart and the center of his universe - barring all others - and that the he sees a future with her.
I think we women can learn a lot from mature men in this respect. We ladies tend to burst forth with ILYs based on sheer emotion, sometimes without really thinking it through. Sometimes, women manipulate men with those words by going on a fishing expedition, hoping to hear the same in return, and are disappointed when they aren't. Some women I know can make a go out of loving ANY ol' man who comes along and gives them a wink, because it is easy for them to live with (or overlook) the man's major faults, or because they are afraid of being alone.
Don't get me wrong. For MOST women, saying ILY is just as significant, but I truly believe there is a vast difference between the sexes in one main respect: when a woman says ILY, she is, first and foremost, expressing emotion/feelings. When a man says it, he has done a great deal of soul-searching prior to saying it, and when he does finally say it, he is expressing not only emotion, but also his depth of commitment to the woman AND to the future. Knowing this, hearing ILY from the man you love is truly a gift unlike no other.
I find it interesting that we women need to hear those words so badly when we KNOW in our heart of hearts that the men we love DO love us, even if they don't say it. We know the sun will rise tomorrow, but do we constantly need to hear from the weatherman that this is true? Sure, an inexperienvced child needs to be verbally reminded that the stove is HOT and may hurt her, but grown-ups know from experience and maturity that the stove is hot. I never heard my father utter the words "I love you" to my mother in the 50+ years they were married, but there was and is nooo doubt in my mind that they love/loved each other deeply. How can we, as grown women, need soooo much verbal affirmation, when instead, we should be relying on our wisdom and life experience to affirm to OURSELVES that these men love us, instead of constantly seeking approval from said men?!
Faith is believing in things unseen, yet felt. Where is your faith in your self, your relationship, and your men? Is the verbal affirmation of his love MORE important that his ACTS of love? The constant need for verbal affirmation of love sometimes masks a deeper need to feel worthy of that love. To feel worthy of love, you only need to look in the mirror, ladies. You ARE worthy. You ARE loved!
I think it's fine if a woman can live without hearing ILY, so long as she is SHOWN love. That it works for both you and your W means your relationship is cemented by equitable agreement, i.e., neither one of you feels either is missing out on anything by not hearing those words. However, many women - myself included - DO have a need to not only be shown love but also HEAR those three little words from the men we love. "Actions speak louder than words" is fine...as long as both people embrace this as a life motto. However, when one person from the couple feels slighted because their need to hear ILY is so strong, a problem arises that needs addressing.
There IS no "right or wrong" regarding our personal needs when it comes to relationships. Needs are needs - personal and unique to each individual person. Some people need affection, while others are uncomfortable with it. Some people need sappy greeting cards to commemorate every holiday, birthday, and anniversary, while others are fine with less materialistic acknowledgements of loving feelings. The point is, none of us should have to feel guilty about having needs, and no one should have to explain why they do or do not have them. I respect other people's needs, even though I may not understand them, and especially if they differ greatly from my own. Doesn't that essentially define the word "tolerance"...something this world could use a lot more of?
Thus, those who may judge, laugh at, or otherwise minimize my personal need to hear those three little words from my husband aren't even worthy of consideration in my book since they're not me and couldn't possibly understand my intimately personal choices....just as I could not possibly understand theirs. Whatever works for a relationship in the "ILY" department may be fine for one particular couple, but may not be for another. Relationships work best when both people MUTUALLY agree on any issue as it pertains to their relationship. C'est la vie!! :)
So who's right? Is it better to wait until you are 100% sure you love someone before blurting out the words, or is it better to just let your heart do the talking? Hmmm....'tis a quandry the world may never know. One thing's for sure: those who are waiting for their men to take the "I Love You" leap of faith must first determine if the man is worth the wait. Those whose impatience gets the best of them risk pushing their men into an ultimatum they may not be ready to face.
It's so hard to wait for something we really want. (Just ask my 9 yr. old, whose Christmas list just keeps getting longer. lol) Things that come too easily are not as deeply appreciated. Remember, if a man said "I love you" TOO easily, we would be suspisious of that, too! I confes that I said the words first, too. But in my case, I got the same back in return, so I can't relate to those who pine for the day when they hear those precious words. I'm not sure I could be as patient as some of you who wait. You have my admiration!
I truly believe that a mature man (not only in age but life experience, as well as inner maturity) doesn't say ILY unless or until he can back up his mouth with actions. Saying ILY is not something a mature man takes lightly. He knows the significance not only of the words themselves, but everything behind them, i.e., commitment. Commitment is a BIG thing for most men. They know it is life-changing, as it changes the dynamics of a relationship from casual to deeply involved. It means planning a future, respecting his love's needs and views, and sharing his heart and soul, faults and all. It means accepting what he cannot change, and having the courage to face whatever may come. It is risky because most mature men enjoy control, yet since they cannot see the future, it's like a leap off a bridge for them....a leap of faith.
Most mature men will not say ILY just because they know their love wants to hear those words. Being that commitment is attached to uttering those words, he thinks looong and hard before saying them, for all the reasons heretofore mentioned.Now...add the fact that said man is a widower, and saying ILY takes on a whole different realm of significance: It means setting the past in its proper place, once and for all. It is a casting-off of all things formerly familiar, and accepting that something new (yet still wonderful!) is about to happen. It means overcoming all the guilt feelings that normally and usually accompany loving again after loss. It means overcoming any fear of losing someone else (you!) to death once again. It means working out the delicate dance of loving the LW AND a new love at the same time. It means giving up his comfort zone of post-grief that he has worked so hard to achieve for himself by making room for new love and the new life that comes with her. It means juggling the emotions and attitudes of friends and family who knew and loved the LW. But most of all, saying ILY means he is ready...to commit, to live again, and to love again with his whole, healed heart.
Some men are reluctant to say the words until they are confident that they will hear them in return. Women are like that, too! But because men are not really good at expressing themselves emotionally BEFORE those three little words are uttered, women tend to have the harder job of saying it first because they don't have much "prior knowledge" to feed their confidence about hearing it back. In that respect, men would be wise to at least allude to the fact that they are in love, that the women he love sis #1 in his heart and the center of his universe - barring all others - and that the he sees a future with her.
I think we women can learn a lot from mature men in this respect. We ladies tend to burst forth with ILYs based on sheer emotion, sometimes without really thinking it through. Sometimes, women manipulate men with those words by going on a fishing expedition, hoping to hear the same in return, and are disappointed when they aren't. Some women I know can make a go out of loving ANY ol' man who comes along and gives them a wink, because it is easy for them to live with (or overlook) the man's major faults, or because they are afraid of being alone.
Don't get me wrong. For MOST women, saying ILY is just as significant, but I truly believe there is a vast difference between the sexes in one main respect: when a woman says ILY, she is, first and foremost, expressing emotion/feelings. When a man says it, he has done a great deal of soul-searching prior to saying it, and when he does finally say it, he is expressing not only emotion, but also his depth of commitment to the woman AND to the future. Knowing this, hearing ILY from the man you love is truly a gift unlike no other.
I find it interesting that we women need to hear those words so badly when we KNOW in our heart of hearts that the men we love DO love us, even if they don't say it. We know the sun will rise tomorrow, but do we constantly need to hear from the weatherman that this is true? Sure, an inexperienvced child needs to be verbally reminded that the stove is HOT and may hurt her, but grown-ups know from experience and maturity that the stove is hot. I never heard my father utter the words "I love you" to my mother in the 50+ years they were married, but there was and is nooo doubt in my mind that they love/loved each other deeply. How can we, as grown women, need soooo much verbal affirmation, when instead, we should be relying on our wisdom and life experience to affirm to OURSELVES that these men love us, instead of constantly seeking approval from said men?!
Faith is believing in things unseen, yet felt. Where is your faith in your self, your relationship, and your men? Is the verbal affirmation of his love MORE important that his ACTS of love? The constant need for verbal affirmation of love sometimes masks a deeper need to feel worthy of that love. To feel worthy of love, you only need to look in the mirror, ladies. You ARE worthy. You ARE loved!
I think it's fine if a woman can live without hearing ILY, so long as she is SHOWN love. That it works for both you and your W means your relationship is cemented by equitable agreement, i.e., neither one of you feels either is missing out on anything by not hearing those words. However, many women - myself included - DO have a need to not only be shown love but also HEAR those three little words from the men we love. "Actions speak louder than words" is fine...as long as both people embrace this as a life motto. However, when one person from the couple feels slighted because their need to hear ILY is so strong, a problem arises that needs addressing.
There IS no "right or wrong" regarding our personal needs when it comes to relationships. Needs are needs - personal and unique to each individual person. Some people need affection, while others are uncomfortable with it. Some people need sappy greeting cards to commemorate every holiday, birthday, and anniversary, while others are fine with less materialistic acknowledgements of loving feelings. The point is, none of us should have to feel guilty about having needs, and no one should have to explain why they do or do not have them. I respect other people's needs, even though I may not understand them, and especially if they differ greatly from my own. Doesn't that essentially define the word "tolerance"...something this world could use a lot more of?
Thus, those who may judge, laugh at, or otherwise minimize my personal need to hear those three little words from my husband aren't even worthy of consideration in my book since they're not me and couldn't possibly understand my intimately personal choices....just as I could not possibly understand theirs. Whatever works for a relationship in the "ILY" department may be fine for one particular couple, but may not be for another. Relationships work best when both people MUTUALLY agree on any issue as it pertains to their relationship. C'est la vie!! :)
Friday, October 16, 2009
Communicating WOW/GOW Issues Using The Three Cs
Many GOWs/WOWs are hesitant to discuss their needs and issues with their Ws for a variety of reasons. Some feel their Ws already have enough to worry/think/grieve about, so why add to his burdens? Others dare not upset the delicate balance of peace they have worked so hard to achieve within their relationships, so why risk "fixing something that ain't broken"? Still others are just so used to walking on eggshells around their Ws' grief needs - while putting their own needs on the back burner - that they cannot even fathom asking their Ws to talk about the thousands of LW pictures around the house, her clothes still hanging in their closet, or her toxic relatives. To these GOWs/WOWs, discussing such things would appear selfish, demanding, or otherwise insensitive to their poor Ws and the grief journey itself.
Balderdash!
Quieting a need and burying it deep inside does nothing to fix it. In fact, the very act of pushing your needs and issues aside for whatever reason breeds resentment against the one person whom you want to understand you. Exposing a negative need or issue to the light by airing it out is the only way to turn it into a positive.
Mood is important, so I advise against airing issues in the heat of anger, or at at time of a W's grief episode/trigger. To have a truly productive discussion, timing is everything. Having a chat right before bedtime, especially when a man is exhausted from a hard day's work, is not going to be very productive. Location is also key: I wouldn't recommend having a discussion in a public place or someone else's home. Once you have the right mood, atmosphere, place, and time, you have to express your message in such a way that it will be received with the same sensitivity as you deliver it, so that it will be heard and understood.
The keys to the successful delivery of your message lie within what I call The Three Cs: communication, cooperation, and compromise.
The first "C" - Communication - is about the shared experience of discussing one topic. It is not about one person hopping on their personal soapbox and giving an oration. Communication requires equality. It is about both parties participating in a give-and-take form of discussion. Communicating your GOW/WOW need or issue to your W is not about declaring what upsets you and then leaving it up to him to figure out a solution. It is about opening the doors of opportunity - the opportunity to grow your relationship through mutual understanding. It is about making yourself clear enough to be understood. This is no time to be vague. You have to summon all the courage you can, and state your feelings, not the issue itself. Instead of stating, "You still wear your LW's wedding ring and that's just wrong!" you want to address how it makes you FEEL by using "I" statements, such as "I feel sad when I see you wearing your LW's wedding ring, and it makes me feel second best in your heart." Using "you" statements, such as "You make me feel like second best by wearing your LW's wedding ring!" is not productive and will only put your W on the defensive. It's amazing how the DELIVERY of a message makes all the difference!
The second "C" - Cooperation - is about entering into a discussion with the intent to work together towards a solution. You MUST decide, prior to a discussion, that your sole purpose for communicating your needs and issues is mutual understanding for the health of your relationship. Thus, using ultimatums is no way to earn your partner's cooperation. Saying "Take that wedding ring off right now or else I'm outta here!" may be what you truly feel when you are hurt, but maturity dictates that you instead go to your partner with a positive attitude and agree to work WITH him, not against him. Cooperation is also about listening as well as talking. When you communicate, it's not all about you, but it's not all about him, either. You each have an equal opportunity to express yourselves. In an ideal discussion, one person has the "floor", while the other listens without interruption. When that person is done, then the other person can have the floor...and so on.
Once you have communicated your issue, and you each have cooperated by patiently listening to each other without interruption, knowing the purpose of your discussion is a positive, productive way to get to a solution, the next step is the last "C" - Compromise.
Compromise is also a give-and-take action. In fact, it is THE ULTIMATE give-and-take, because you EACH have to give a little to get a little. Compromise means you aren't going to get everything you hoped for, but you'll get something you can live with. For example, using the same issue illustration of a W wearing his LW's wedding ring, you might arrive at a compromise wherein the W gets to keep it, but agrees to put it in a place where you do not have to see it constantly on his finger, perhaps in a special jewelry box or a safe deposit box at your local bank. He has to give up wearing it, but gets to keep it. YOU get the satisfaction of not having to see it on his finger all the time, but you have to give him the choice about what to do with it after it comes off his finger. I believe this compromise is one both parties can live with.
By using The Three Cs, the couple in the illustration arrive at a solution that is satisfactory to both. But best of all, they do so with their relationship intact, without resentment, and with a deeper respect for the other's ability to speak up, listen sensitively, and work positively in a healthy atmosphere of loving kindness.
Balderdash!
Quieting a need and burying it deep inside does nothing to fix it. In fact, the very act of pushing your needs and issues aside for whatever reason breeds resentment against the one person whom you want to understand you. Exposing a negative need or issue to the light by airing it out is the only way to turn it into a positive.
Mood is important, so I advise against airing issues in the heat of anger, or at at time of a W's grief episode/trigger. To have a truly productive discussion, timing is everything. Having a chat right before bedtime, especially when a man is exhausted from a hard day's work, is not going to be very productive. Location is also key: I wouldn't recommend having a discussion in a public place or someone else's home. Once you have the right mood, atmosphere, place, and time, you have to express your message in such a way that it will be received with the same sensitivity as you deliver it, so that it will be heard and understood.
The keys to the successful delivery of your message lie within what I call The Three Cs: communication, cooperation, and compromise.
The first "C" - Communication - is about the shared experience of discussing one topic. It is not about one person hopping on their personal soapbox and giving an oration. Communication requires equality. It is about both parties participating in a give-and-take form of discussion. Communicating your GOW/WOW need or issue to your W is not about declaring what upsets you and then leaving it up to him to figure out a solution. It is about opening the doors of opportunity - the opportunity to grow your relationship through mutual understanding. It is about making yourself clear enough to be understood. This is no time to be vague. You have to summon all the courage you can, and state your feelings, not the issue itself. Instead of stating, "You still wear your LW's wedding ring and that's just wrong!" you want to address how it makes you FEEL by using "I" statements, such as "I feel sad when I see you wearing your LW's wedding ring, and it makes me feel second best in your heart." Using "you" statements, such as "You make me feel like second best by wearing your LW's wedding ring!" is not productive and will only put your W on the defensive. It's amazing how the DELIVERY of a message makes all the difference!
The second "C" - Cooperation - is about entering into a discussion with the intent to work together towards a solution. You MUST decide, prior to a discussion, that your sole purpose for communicating your needs and issues is mutual understanding for the health of your relationship. Thus, using ultimatums is no way to earn your partner's cooperation. Saying "Take that wedding ring off right now or else I'm outta here!" may be what you truly feel when you are hurt, but maturity dictates that you instead go to your partner with a positive attitude and agree to work WITH him, not against him. Cooperation is also about listening as well as talking. When you communicate, it's not all about you, but it's not all about him, either. You each have an equal opportunity to express yourselves. In an ideal discussion, one person has the "floor", while the other listens without interruption. When that person is done, then the other person can have the floor...and so on.
Once you have communicated your issue, and you each have cooperated by patiently listening to each other without interruption, knowing the purpose of your discussion is a positive, productive way to get to a solution, the next step is the last "C" - Compromise.
Compromise is also a give-and-take action. In fact, it is THE ULTIMATE give-and-take, because you EACH have to give a little to get a little. Compromise means you aren't going to get everything you hoped for, but you'll get something you can live with. For example, using the same issue illustration of a W wearing his LW's wedding ring, you might arrive at a compromise wherein the W gets to keep it, but agrees to put it in a place where you do not have to see it constantly on his finger, perhaps in a special jewelry box or a safe deposit box at your local bank. He has to give up wearing it, but gets to keep it. YOU get the satisfaction of not having to see it on his finger all the time, but you have to give him the choice about what to do with it after it comes off his finger. I believe this compromise is one both parties can live with.
By using The Three Cs, the couple in the illustration arrive at a solution that is satisfactory to both. But best of all, they do so with their relationship intact, without resentment, and with a deeper respect for the other's ability to speak up, listen sensitively, and work positively in a healthy atmosphere of loving kindness.
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