tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post2138554715592606347..comments2023-09-19T04:35:47.067-04:00Comments on Loving A Widower....a blog by author Julie Donner Andersen: For GOWs Who Date An "Early Grief" WidowerJulie Donner Andersen. authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03762949807031902269noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-56689624827805160882017-09-17T20:06:33.004-04:002017-09-17T20:06:33.004-04:00What ended up happening? I dated my W for 6.5 mont...What ended up happening? I dated my W for 6.5 months then he put a dead stop to things. This was a month prior to the 1 year annivesary. He still contacts me. I try not to respond all the time because he needs time to himself. I don't know if we will end up together. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-39852147880343238622017-09-17T20:01:07.925-04:002017-09-17T20:01:07.925-04:00What ended up happening? I dated my W for 6.5 mont...What ended up happening? I dated my W for 6.5 months then he put a dead stop to things. This was a month prior to the 1 year annivesary. He still contacts me. I try not to respond all the time because he needs time to himself. I don't know if we will end up together. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05823881140260477326noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-85248949867154980632016-04-05T09:59:48.459-04:002016-04-05T09:59:48.459-04:00I know how you guys feel. I've been with my W ...I know how you guys feel. I've been with my W for 7/8 months and he put the brakes on things over a month ago. His wife died 2 years ago and the 2nd anniversary was in February.<br /><br />We're friends for now whilst he gets the help he needs although it's the hardest thing I've ever done. He was incredibly romantic with me prior to all this and we were planning the future too. All I can do is just slow things right down and wait for him. I know he'll be worth the wait. Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-47117705463140781302015-11-27T07:49:10.191-05:002015-11-27T07:49:10.191-05:00I met my widower online last winter. Because we li...I met my widower online last winter. Because we lived an hour and a half away, we only emailed each other. Then he disappeared for 6 months. When he reached out, he apologized and explained that his father has passed and that he threw himself into his business and children. From our first date, everything was great! He even talked about a future with me and his two young children (who I became attached to). Then in September, we had our first small argument and he got upset with me and withdrew. He told me, that with the emotional pull from his children and his mother (who lost her husband in January), he couldn't handle one more emotional conversation with me. I suggested we take some time apart, so he could get some things in order. He liked that idea, because he wanted to talk to me, but couldn't. When I reached out after a couple of weeks, he told me that he longer wanted to talk to anyone anymore and that I was not the target. That he wanted to keep his days simple. I told him, that I would be here if he ever wanted to talk. I even suggested he talk to his therapist and doctor, because he had told me during our disagreement, he had purged himself of the anti-depressants that he was given when his wife passed. He did it without consulting with his doctor first. I know this has a lot to do with his withdrawal. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-6673231998122593822015-02-10T19:23:35.486-05:002015-02-10T19:23:35.486-05:002 weeks since my post: We are now taking a break f...2 weeks since my post: We are now taking a break from our relationship He needs more time to evict his demons and I know all I can do is wait. I am glad that we are where we are, and pray he will be back when it is over. I know he loves me so I get some comfort from that, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Either way, I am done with relationships. He is the last man for me. Love Hurts and I may be meant to be by myself. Ky. Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-89138157277973163652015-01-29T14:53:54.404-05:002015-01-29T14:53:54.404-05:00Guy here waiting on a widow. I've been waitin...Guy here waiting on a widow. I've been waiting for 18 months. The push/pull is killing me. It's like dope. When she's pulling, I'm high. When she pulls, I'm dysfunctional. It can't be your schedule. It has to be his. Every time I want to give up, something shoves me back into the fight. Throughout my ordeal, my spiritual life has blossomed and sustained me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-79928272410619034262015-01-28T21:33:12.569-05:002015-01-28T21:33:12.569-05:00I have been seriously involved with a widower of 2...I have been seriously involved with a widower of 20 months. We have been seeing each other for 14. We have everything in common. mutual friends, church, hobbies everything. We love each other very much. Suddenly he has pulled back and is very sad and emotional. I am scared but I know he needs space. How long will this last?Ky. Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-21362065783932792562012-10-27T10:20:59.566-04:002012-10-27T10:20:59.566-04:00Dear Anonymous,
The only advice that seems fittin...Dear Anonymous,<br /><br />The only advice that seems fitting, regarding how to proceed, is...don't. If you want to stay connected, let HIM lead. He still has a LOT of grief recovery left to do. If he lives 1500 miles away, it could be that he has asked to slow things down because he has met someone else, too. Being that he moved things along with YOU so fast, and so quickly after his loss, leads me to believe that this man struggles with loneliness and is looking for a lovely distraction from his pain. Please don't be the distraction from the difficult yet necessary fgrief work he must do to reach recovery. Only THEN can he handle a fully committed relationship with you.<br /><br />For more on this subject, and to connect with over 2,500 other women who walk in your shoes, please join us on The Official WOW/GOW Message Board, which is accessible via my website (http://www.juliedonnerandersen.com). Julie Donner Andersen. authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03762949807031902269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-2370966812459746772012-10-26T20:52:50.385-04:002012-10-26T20:52:50.385-04:00I reconnected with a friend whose wife died 8 mont...I reconnected with a friend whose wife died 8 months ago after a lengthy illness. He lives 1500 miles away. He got all excited about having a relationship with me and was quickly calling me every day and talking for an hour or more. He was talking about visiting me soon and wanting me to visit him and meet his kids. Suddenly he emailed me that he does not even know me and that he needs to slow down. It really makes sense. But I am hurt and sad. Advice on how to proceed would be nice.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-70773903876983675302012-05-13T10:24:10.309-04:002012-05-13T10:24:10.309-04:00You seem to be happy with the way things are betwe...You seem to be happy with the way things are between you, and are resigned to expecting no more from him than a friendship. The only problem I see is how he has said he has come to a place of peace after only 5 mos. post-loss. I have my doubts. I would want to know more about how he arrived at this declaration and where he stands re: his grief journey at this point. While it may appear to you that he is beyond bereavement because he is enjoying former hobbies, this is simply moving on and is a far cry from the final grief stage of acceptance or "letting go".Julie Donner Andersen. authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03762949807031902269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-53669149128649145302012-05-12T08:24:37.427-04:002012-05-12T08:24:37.427-04:00I met a nice gentleman through his friendly dog as...I met a nice gentleman through his friendly dog as I was walking in a community park. We would see each other now and again and especially when I got a little dog of my own. During the course of conversation he mentioned his lovely wife and our incidental walks or a short chat never encroached upon the boundry of respect that he or I had for his relationship for his wife. He mentioned when she became quite ill and was receiving treatment for cancer. Sadly, she has been gone now for over 5 months. He asked me one morning ' how I thought he lined up, if he did line up '. I was a bit surprised but knowing him as I did I answered him honestly. He went away on a five week trip by himself with his dog to visit family in his previous home town. Since he has come back he says he has changed and come to a place of peace. Though he has not yet got back his full enjoyment of life he has got back into the gardening which he enjoys, has discovered he is quite good at cake making and is contemplating renewing his involvement in past hobbies which he previously had lost interest in. We let the conversation about his wife naturally flow in and out amongst everything else we talk about. I am at an age [63] where I know that I am nice ordinary woman and that I don't have to compete with or be in competition with his wife, in fact I almost got to meet her as he came around to get me but I happened to be out. He is 73 and thinks he is too old to marry again and because I have a strong christian ethic I will not live with anyone. He is probably one of the nicest gentleman that I have ever met and we have many interests in common. Though we may eventually hit a wall concerning marriage and not having a physical relationship outside of marriage I figure I have healed previously from a 'crash and burn' and it would be the loss of an opportunity to not experience what we share at the moment as growing friends.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-63408451194075046672011-07-27T10:59:39.299-04:002011-07-27T10:59:39.299-04:00When it comes to Ws, communication is key. For &q...When it comes to Ws, communication is key. For "Anonymous" who is being persued by 4 Ws and wonders what she should tell them, the best advice I can offer is just to be honest. It's ok to recommend grief counselling or bereavement recovery classes to them, as many elderly Ws don't even realize that they are still grieving. Life has moved on, but they have not let go. <br /><br />For "Anonymous" who is missing roses from her garden because her W takes them to his LW's hgrace, again, communicate your issue to him using what I call The Three C's: communication, cooperation, and compromise. Gently tell him in a spirit of cooperation and working this issue out as a team that it's not OK with you that he raids your garden, but compromise with him about his visits - after all, grave visiting is quite normal for all survivors - and then, offer him a compromise: a substitute for your roses, perhaps with a gift certificate to a local florist. <br /><br />For more information, please join me (by clicking my name, above) at my website's free message board for GOWs and WOWs.Julie Donner Andersenhttp://www.juliedonnerandersen.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-51620263403531019882011-07-27T09:40:34.761-04:002011-07-27T09:40:34.761-04:00I married a widower after dating three years. His ...I married a widower after dating three years. His wife passed away five years ago from a cancer. Among so much of my side of heartbreak watching him greiving...I want your opinion on this incident: We have a beautiful rose garden in the back yard. Every time he would bring some ugly flowers inside of house beautiful roses will disappear (he took them to her grave yard): why do these incidents hurt my heart? What do I have to do?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-61211895323511001502011-01-31T14:07:38.921-05:002011-01-31T14:07:38.921-05:00I'm one of the few 50-something single women i...I'm one of the few 50-something single women in my church and feel like that's made me a W magnet. I have not one, but 4 W's, all over 80, expressing interest in me which ranges from them wanting to go to concerts/lectures with me to offering financial assistance, a place to live if times get tougher and even marriage. (I've been out of work for several months, but do not need anyone's financial assistance). I believe these W's are inaccurately attaching the joy they feel in reaching out to others again as something having to do with me, though they barely know me. Two are fairly recent W's and I would like to suggest bereavement counseling, but want to do so carefully. Our pastor is pretty inept when it comes to handling tender emotions. Can you advise how I might handle this recommend?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-87295360063089008412010-07-27T12:46:04.846-04:002010-07-27T12:46:04.846-04:00Hi Anonymous,
Glad to be of some comfort. For mo...Hi Anonymous,<br /><br />Glad to be of some comfort. For more, please join me and the 500+ other WOWs and GOWs on the Official WOW/GOW Message Board, which can be found via my website at http://www.juliedonnerandersen.com. The Board will provide you with the help, advice, information, support, and encouragement you seek. Blessings...JDAJulie Donner Andersen. authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03762949807031902269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-6276810299342289042010-07-27T11:23:44.249-04:002010-07-27T11:23:44.249-04:00Thank you for sharing your knowledge. I am dating ...Thank you for sharing your knowledge. I am dating a man who I consider to be an "early widower" and your blog has helped give me some insight into his behavior while he's going through this process. We've only dated three weeks and I've never dated a widower, but reading your blog I can recognize the grief process in him and the ways in which I can help him through. Patience, patience, patience. Thank you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-27652577170524262502010-03-26T18:54:18.477-04:002010-03-26T18:54:18.477-04:00Sometimes, it's difficult to discren what cons...Sometimes, it's difficult to discren what constitutes normal W behaviour, and what is "man/male" (or human) behaviour....and in this case, if you take the man's W status out of the situation, you're left with a guy who likes to eat beef but also wants his salad on the side, if you get my meaning. Get out now while you still have some self esteem. He's just not that into you.Julie Donner Andersen. authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03762949807031902269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-38537493995210482212010-03-26T18:45:23.638-04:002010-03-26T18:45:23.638-04:00I committed the ultimate sin, by falling in love B...I committed the ultimate sin, by falling in love BEFORE he became a W. We provided mutual support to each other when his wife and then my father died of cancer. He has now been a W for two years and I am more confused than ever. I have met and love his teenage son to pieces. The three of us went on the holiday of a lifetime last year. I am so confused and frustrated because he says he does not want a 'relationship'. The physical side is amazing and he is loving and giving. He is open that he socialises with other women who are friends and that he feels comfortable with and that he only feels uncomfortable in my company. I love him so much but the insecurity is terrible and I don't know if I can continue to be patient, but, the thought of losing him completely is awful. At least reading the comments on this site have reassured me to some extent that I am not alone.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-46735292296968370212010-03-03T00:36:35.949-05:002010-03-03T00:36:35.949-05:00Come to the WOW/GOW Message Board, luv. All are w...Come to the WOW/GOW Message Board, luv. All are welcome. Lots of gals there walk in your shoes. :)Julie Donner Andersen. authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03762949807031902269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-33706599492319025362010-03-03T00:12:20.587-05:002010-03-03T00:12:20.587-05:00Any advice for a GOW who is also a widow and there...Any advice for a GOW who is also a widow and therefore, I am dealing with my own grief, my boyfriend's grief and we're on this path together, which helps, but your description of the GOW's insecurities fits me to a T.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-91404840469194845652010-02-23T08:08:17.751-05:002010-02-23T08:08:17.751-05:00Dear Tango Bird,
Please join me and the 400 other...Dear Tango Bird,<br /><br />Please join me and the 400 other WOWs and GOWs on the Official WOW/GOW Message Board, which can be found via my website at http://www.juliedonnerandersen.com. The Board will provide you with the help, advice, information, support, and encouragement you seek. Blessings...JDAJulie Donner Andersen. authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03762949807031902269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-39460271313416152792010-02-22T23:20:22.151-05:002010-02-22T23:20:22.151-05:00Hello,
I want to know what to do. I have seen a ...Hello, <br />I want to know what to do. I have seen a w on and off. he calls and is quite intimate (I won't have intercourse with him, as I don't believe he is ready) then he doesn't call. I know he is dating, but women probably don't want to be with him long since he is obviously unavailable except for sex. It is starting to be a big hammer on my head. I never call him, or let him know how i am feeling.<br />helptango birdnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-37931273890571094542010-02-08T09:45:34.304-05:002010-02-08T09:45:34.304-05:00Dear Anonymous,
Indeed,there ARE stages of emotio...Dear Anonymous,<br /><br />Indeed,there ARE stages of emotional acceptance. I believe you have already experienced one, in that you are no longer uncomfortable with kissing/cuddling. Give yourself time when it comes to the next stage (sex). Only YOU can decide when the time is right...and when it is, you'll know it. Meanwhile, I urge you to please communicate your feelings to your GOW. She is probably just as confused as you are, and her vulnerability will take its toll on her self-esteem. If you truly care about her, which it sounds like you do, please don't let that happen. She needs to know what is happening to you, and most of all, she needs your reassurance that it is not her fault - it is simply grief.Julie Donner Andersen. authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03762949807031902269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-56030612045497143522010-02-08T08:49:54.207-05:002010-02-08T08:49:54.207-05:00Only just come across this site as I make my way t...Only just come across this site as I make my way through the journey of being a widower and am enjoying reading the issues from the other side.<br /><br />Have just spent my first 4 day break away with my GOW and have come back confused, tearful, so much love for her in my heart and want to tell her and hold her and yet want to be left alone and cry, till this emotional confussion all passes ... guess its all part of the journey from what I'm reading.<br /><br />I'd be interested to know if there are stages of emotional acceptance within you as you become a new person as a widower .. I intially struggled with being close, even kissing and cuddling was hard, yet they've passed, but being intimate in the bedroom is still difficult for me, the love making process is just not there in me and cuddling is sometimes enough ...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973994758641403598.post-33115041091459405762010-02-01T12:21:30.618-05:002010-02-01T12:21:30.618-05:00I really enjoy reading all of your articles. I...I really enjoy reading all of your articles. I'm in a place though where I'm not sure that the relationship is progressing and am not sure I have what it takes to be a GOW.....the confusion goes on...I will have to try and work through this. Thanks for all you do :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com